Pulling out my hair! Very upset and in need of help.

[mistydawn]

I thought I had solved my problem concerning my long distance FWB. Last time I went out there he agreed to having sex 3 times. It worked out great. I was very happy. I planned to go out there again and he said no to 3 times. He says he doesn't want to get into a contract with me that he may not be able to fulfill. He said he knows I am hurt when he says no. That is true, I take it personally. He mentioned his stomach problems, to which he has never really told me about. I do realize he has something but won't talk about it just like he won't talk about his ED. So my plans are ruined!

What man turns down sex he only gets maybe once a month??? He claims he loves having sex with me. I am only there a week and sex 3 times is too much! He does have ED but he knows intercourse is not required. I am very satisfied with what we do. He said I am being "business like" (he has mentioned this before)...well....this isn't about love! (I wish I would have told him that) If this was about love, then it would be handled that way, but it isn't. I am so freakin' pissed off.
He said I was putting pressure on him. Well, I misunderstood that it wasn't negotiable and continued to try. Pressure was not my intention. I thought it was merely something to be worked out. Nope. I told him I cannot just go all the way down there for 1 night of sex. (What? I love the drive for the freakin' scenery??!!) He said 'who said it will be 1 time' and I replied he has made no agreement otherwise.
So, in order not to give him the message that he cannot just have me when HE wants I have to deny myself what I want! I am pulling out my hair. I am very upset about this. I understand his reasons but I don't understand it at the same time. I could really use some help. Thanks in advance.

[Pirate]

Yikes.
Does he understand that the prospect of a long drive only to make yourself available to him in case he wants to have sex is not attractive to you?

[mistydawn]

Yikes.
Does he understand that the prospect of a long drive only to make yourself available to him in case he wants to have sex is not attractive to you?

He is not a stupid guy, he should know. He did say he thought I was seeing family, which I am, but I told him I enjoy him more.

[TINKERBELL]

It sounds like he feels used.. that things are too business for him..
you said its not love but to treat it like a negotiation or a business deal is like treating him like a prostitute... i think his feelings are hurt, think though you view it as business.. he views you as someone he cares about and enjoys spending time with... i can see how having a set amount of sex encounters pre-arranged takes the fun out of it and puts pressure on him.
i suspect even last time you would have gotten sex three times without the pre arranged agreement.

[Pirate]

He is not a stupid guy, he should know. He did say he thought I was seeing family, which I am, but I told him I enjoy him more.

I must confess that I have had a great many things that I should have known pointed out to me. And they did appear quite obvious in hindsight although they certainly were not obvious to me beforehand.
Communication is key.

[mistydawn]

It sounds like he feels used.. that things are too business for him..
you said its not love but to treat it like a negotiation or a business deal is like treating him like a prostitute... i think his feelings are hurt, think though you view it as business.. he views you as someone he cares about and enjoys spending time with... i can see how having a set amount of sex encounters pre-arranged takes the fun out of it and puts pressure on him.
i suspect even last time you would have gotten sex three times without the pre arranged agreement.

Thanks Titty Titty. Nothing was pre-scheduled last time. He could pick any day he wanted, the only thing set was 3x. It was to be the same this time. I am angry and hurt. I realize he thinks I am too business like. He says he likes sex with me but then cannot even say he will do it 3 times!!! Titty, it is a timing issue. I am only there a week, it isn't like we can just do it next week. It isn't about using him...it is the fact it is limited time. I was so looking forward to this visit. The disappointment is tearing me up.

[TINKERBELL]

i personally think he wants you to want to spend time with him without sex and he is wounded that you only seem to want to spend time with him if sex is provided.. i think that is part of the reason he is getting a little unwilling to commit to the sex guarantee..
It was pre-scheduled in the sense that you had a set time frame and within the time frame he had to provide you with sex three times as guaranteed.
I really do think he has feelings that are not being acknowledged..The two of you aren't on the same page about what you want from each other.. It is about communication..Its also about listening to the other person.. He might not be directly telling you what he wants but he is dropping hints or reacting in ways that indicate that what you want is not what he wants.. I personally think he has been accommodating your needs and wants at the expense of his own.
Maybe you need to approach it that every second time you see him you do it his way .. What would suit his needs..He did it your way the last time(for all you know he wanted it more then three times last time ..but because you had negotiated three times he stuck to that )
Are you are angry and hurt because he won't give you what you want?? that he is expressing what he wants? or That what you are asking for doesn't suit him this time?

[somebodyelse]

It sounds like he feels used.. that things are too business for him..
you said its not love but to treat it like a negotiation or a business deal is like treating him like a prostitute... i think his feelings are hurt, think though you view it as business.. he views you as someone he cares about and enjoys spending time with... i can see how having a set amount of sex encounters pre-arranged takes the fun out of it and puts pressure on him.
i suspect even last time you would have gotten sex three times without the pre arranged agreement.

that's what I was thinking too. If he enjoys your company, he'd have given you every orgasm you could have possibly imagined. But if you say "i want to get it 3 times before I go" then it kind of becomes a "do or die" situation and personally, I'll do nothing before i let someone dictate to me what I'm going to do.

Dang... didn't see TTBB's second post... 100% on that too. Maybe he likes sex but there's some missing information there too. Is he sexing you outside of your or his relationship? is there something else you're leaving out? Maybe he just wants to spend a little more time with you or feel appreciated.

Being told that "this number is what i want, you'll supply it for me" is kind of cold. It's impersonal, and as I have come to believe, I'd rather jack off than to have sex with someone who I don't care for, and who doesn't care for me. Sex is glorified masturbation IMHO.

[mistydawn]

that's what I was thinking too. If he enjoys your company, he'd have given you every orgasm you could have possibly imagined. But if you say "i want to get it 3 times before I go" then it kind of becomes a "do or die" situation and personally, I'll do nothing before i let someone dictate to me what I'm going to do.

Dang... didn't see TTBB's second post... 100% on that too. Maybe he likes sex but there's some missing information there too. Is he sexing you outside of your or his relationship? is there something else you're leaving out? Maybe he just wants to spend a little more time with you or feel appreciated.

Being told that "this number is what i want, you'll supply it for me" is kind of cold. It's impersonal, and as I have come to believe, I'd rather jack off than to have sex with someone who I don't care for, and who doesn't care for me. Sex is glorified masturbation IMHO.

He texts me when we are apart. I hardly ever be the first to text because I don't want to be viewed as needy. He has wanted to cam in the past but I am not into that. He wants me to send him pics of myself and I did send him 1 and I don't want to do more. He has the 1, why does he need more? So yes, he does 'sexing'. When we do have sex he gives me countless orgasms. And I do think that if he enjoys my 'company, he'd have given you every orgasm you could have possibly imagined'. So, would one not think he doesn't enjoy my company (sex). He gets upset when I bring up stuff like that. He even told me never to ask him again if he doesn't enjoy our sex.

I guess I can see why he might consider it impersonal. Your post has helped. Thank you.

[ErictheGed]

Misty the guys got serious ED, hes probably feeling the pressure of performing in these pre-arranged sex-slots. You cannot have this "structure" to sex- if you keep this up then i'm sorry but he WILL break contact.

I say next time you go to see him don't even arrange one night of sex- if it happens it happens (which it probably will) and he will feel a lot more comfortable that the affection is spontanious and not part of some rigid timetable.

Also, never ask him if he enjoys sex with you. That will end up turning him right off!