ldr need some help

[dummy56 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dummy56]

hey so i'm in a tough spot and would really appreciate some sincere advice especially from women. So I am in a long distance relationship with another girl. We are approaching 3 years and I've noticed that she has lost some interest we used to video chat for hours a day, now I'm lucky if I get 2. She seems annoyed with my insecurities because I really am fearful of her to just find someone else and replace me. So I know she gets annoyed with that stuff and it's finally showing. Anyway, I talked to her about it and she says she still wants to talk to me and stuff. However, she lies to me when she decides to go to sleep because I know she is still online even after she signs off. We have this open policy where we are supposed to be honest and tell each other everything, but she's already going back on that. I am insecure so it confirms that she could possibly be doing other things. I guess I am smothering her, what should I do? I don't think the relationship is going to end, but it's just not where it used to be. I mean it hurts to see that she lies that she is sleeping so she can go do other things. I'm planning to see her in June so that'll give me time to do some pe to improve myself for her.

Anyway, any tips on how to get the spark back? When I talk to her, she seems fine and everything. I guess she can lie/act really well. Anyway, what are something I can do? Should I just let her do her own things and pretend I don't know about it? I feel that if she gets accustomed with not talking to me much, she'll go and seek others. Any constructive advice is appreciated. Thanks. And I understand it probably won't work out in the end, but I want to it be great while it lasts you know what I mean?

[thenewdude Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close thenewdude]

Well, insecurities in any type of man and woman intimate (or building to) relationship gets old. She wants you confident like many women wants in a man. Be that man and put those things behind you. I can understand that long distant relationship can be hard because the human touch in not there as much if any, but she wants you so step to the plate and let it go. Talk about your guy's day, things that couple talk about. No one I know whats to her someone always talk negative about themselves including me and my wife because it solves nothing. What solves something is you changing what you can change and accepting the rest as a part of life.
Good luck, bro. You are lucky because she is down for you. You can spice it back up by telling her the next time how you would like to take her out and spend some time with her in person. Pay her compliments when you talk to her letting her know that she is gorgeous in your eyes. Things of that nature. Courting goes beyond dates.

[pterodactyl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close pterodactyl]

Maybe she really is going to sleep but isn't loggin off of her computer?

[beginning Member Find all posts View Profile Close beginning]

when she decides to go to sleep because I know she is still online even after she signs off

As pterodactyl has said, what makes you say that she is still online? (Even though she has signed off). Is it because of the time of night that she is saying it (e.g. really early at night)? Or is it because you see her online on other websites (facebook, myspace), or programs (MSN, Skype, etc)?

If it's because you see her online, then I would have to go with what pterodactyl has said, and say that she might still be logged in, but not actually on her computer. My computer is on 24/7, and I'm constantly logged in to various programs, websites, etc. and most of the time, I wake up in the morning with messages from people trying to talk to me over and over thinking I'm ignoring them, but in all reality I just don't bother to log out because it's so much easier to just get on the computer and have everything up and running.

If it's a similar situation to the above, is there any other proof that you have that she isn't going to bed? If not, then you have to trust that she is telling you the truth. I don't see a huge reason to lie about going to bed if she just wants some personal time, it's not hard to just say "I'm going to go do [x] for a while okay [name], I'll come back and talk to you later xx I love you" (or something like that).

Do you two still talk about seeing each other in June? Do you plan on what you are doing? When was the last time that came up in conversation, and what did you/she say?

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Maybe it is just boring to video chat all the time. Not a knock on either of you but if it becomes a choir instead of a pleasure then it gets to be draining. If you trust her who cares what she is doing as long as she is being faithfull. I wouldnt want to be tied down to video chat for hours even if it was with my wife. I love her very much and I would want quality video time instead of quantity time.
She may feel as if you are trying to monopolize her time by keeping her on line and that would feel like your not trusting her. Try to set up a schedule for every other day and shorten the sessions. You may find her not wanting to end them quickly but dont expect it to change in a few sessions. Good luck, I hope it works out.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

LDR is very difficult to sustain. I will say impossible.
When you fall in love you want to share your life with that person. Your day to day happenings, you want to see them and touch them in person. The intimacy and I'm not even talking about the sex.

I think you need to have disposable income for frequent trips to see eachother. If you don't factor that in before getting in deep it's a mistake.
It needs to be in your budget. The same way dating would be. You can't date if neither has the money to go out, eat out etc

I found the more I spoke to him the harder it got. Not easier. The more I cared the more pain I was in.
It wasn't a mistake because he is the best man I know and still know. But I will never have an LDR that does not have an end date to the LDR. Meaning I'll be back in six months or I'll be able to move there in six months. Then see eachother during that ldr time.

Maybe she just hurts too much doing the video chat. Doesn't want to worry you thinking of her crying.

I would tell her that for you it's comforting seeing her on video. Ask her if it's a different reaction for her.

I do admit that some women can't break up so they will break away slowly thinking it's easier. Well it's not easier for the man.

I'm sorry your going thru this. I hope you get an answer either way.

[dummy56 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dummy56]

I know she turns off her computer before going to sleep. I see her on other sites so I know she's online. I think she lies about the going to bed thing so it wouldn't hurt my feelings that she rather do something else than to talk to me.

@ thenewdude, that sounds good, I guess I should be more confident and stop whining. Does that mean I should not ask about when/what she was doing?

@ beginning, we do talk about seeing each other in June. We talk about it almost everyday because (i think) we both really want it. We have an idea of what we will be doing, if you know what I mean. She sounds happy about it, but I guess the idea of waiting for so long can be exhausting.

@BigO I understand what you're saying. I think it has become a chore for her. I just can't get enough of her and want to spend more time talking to her, but it seems like she's a bit more laid back about it. Like she takes her time to meet me online and stuff. I remember how she would get disappointed if I couldn't get on, now it's like she almost purposely plans errands while I am online. She actually did mention that she feels like I am trying to control her and make her only be online (which she doesn't want). I guess I should be more flexible/understanding when she decides to do other things.

I guess I want to know what I can do to help get us back to where we were, or at least so she's comfortable with telling me what she's really doing instead of saying she's going to sleep..

[dummy56 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dummy56]

@islander: You think she is trying to make it easier to break up? Well I hope not because we have our meeting planned and talked about it so much and have so much emotionally invested in it. I just wonder how I could change my behavior so it won't seem as bad. I think the romanticism is slowly passing(as it does I suppose after 2 years) but I think we're at a place more like companion? Not as hot, but enjoy each other's company I'd say its like analogous to marriage? In terms of how the hot exciting passion in the beginning kind of diminishes and it's a different kind of love/feeling after?

Well I see where you're coming from. I've asked her if she is getting bored/trying to replace me/talking to other guys/etc and she says an emphatic no (or a good performance). She tells me not to think about such things. So I don't know what to make of it. The relationship has changed, I think since I've become more controlling/insecure/paranoid/etc.. what can I do to perhaps add that spice back or get her to feel comfortable again?

[Cdn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Cdn]

Hey I'm currently in an LDR as well and it is hard.

My personal advice would be to talk less. Me and my lady see each other 30 to 45 mins everyday, then we have longer days on the weekend when we both have time.
Talking for hours gets boring and becomes a chore so don't do it.

Here's a mistake I made as well, one of the reasons you think the relationship is going to hell is that you judge the relationship based on the last conversation. Fairly logical since thats all there is but in reality the relationship si the sum of all conversations not just the last one. I remember we would have a bad/boring talk and I'd get all depressed, now I just kinda take it as the normal ups and downs that come with a relationship.

As for the insecurity thing, get over it thats all you can do. Its a strain when your together and it ten times as bad when your apart. You can't force her or control her when she is with you and its even less possible when your far apart so give up on it.

Go live your life, let her live hers and share your lives. Don't try and take hers from her.

Best of luck,
Cdn

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Umm are these rlationships going to become normal again soon? Long periods of long distance ,typically put a relationship in danger.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

Dummy
Do not ask her for a play by play on her day
Just because she hangs up with you doesn't mean she hangs up on her life
I volunteer my play by play but when asked I don't answer. I'm extra sensitive in that area as my ex was very insecure and wanted to know every thing I was doing and thinking.
Cdn has good advice he knows. He's been in it.

I just started and spiraled after a few months. I thought I was tougher. I miss him so much.

I couldn't talk to anyone online or on the phone that long so just be cool. Be matter of fact. Don't give her your play by play of your day or ask for hers. Give her something to ask you etc

Hopefully if you can get out live or do some more things to occupy your time you will be less insecure. Even though IMO insecurities are way deeper than just about one person.

Sounds like you two have never met in person. This after two years? She's a trooper. So are you

[dummy56 Member Find all posts View Profile Close dummy56]

@cdn: I appreciate what you said there. don't you find it tough to only talk for 30-45 minutes a day? I can see what you mean by it becoming a chore, but I used to have hours with her and its diminishing. I think we once did 15 hours straight. I just feel like when it gets less it must be because it has become boring. But I see what you're saying. So I suppose I should just let her have her space and stuff. It's tough though because I feel like the need for space is a response to me or something.

@islander: hehe you are so wise :P. So I guess I should stop trying to control her and just let her have her space, but would it strengthen the relationship or would it just sort of keep it from falling apart? I would hope that by giving her space, letting her choose/be free that she would (hopefully) I guess have the time to miss me and to hopefully want to spend more time with me? Granted, that may not happen but I would like for it to help make things better. Will it?

So by being more confident, do you think I'll be able to win back her heart/interest/desire again?

[Cdn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Cdn]

So by being more confident, do you think I'll be able to win back her heart/interest/desire again?

It will help. You have to let her do her thing. Controlling someone makes them run for the hills, thats applicable everywhere not just relationships. Also I doubt the spark is gone, its amazing how hard it is to put out sometimes 9learned this from past relationships).

@cdn: I appreciate what you said there. don't you find it tough to only talk for 30-45 minutes a day? I can see what you mean by it becoming a chore, but I used to have hours with her and its diminishing. I think we once did 15 hours straight. I just feel like when it gets less it must be because it has become boring. But I see what you're saying. So I suppose I should just let her have her space and stuff. It's tough though because I feel like the need for space is a response to me or something.

Talking 30-45 mins? Nope not really, thats more than enough for us to stay connected. There was a point where we started going from 2 hoursish to where we are now and it bugged me but after talking to her about it I'm okay and understanding that it really isn't necessary. When we don't talk we miss each other more, absense makes the heart grow stronger.

The reason we don't have problems with minimal contact for us is that we are both VERY busy.
She's working on a degree and about a billion other things. She recently took up painting, already plays piano, friends, life in general.
My degree is also demanding (20 hours of class a week) + study time, friends, work part time, I work out 6 days a week, job shadow, learning guitar, clubs, ohh and the big one friends.
The point there keep busy.

As for talk diminishing, think about it like this. I know couples who live together all the time and talk less than me and my lady do, 30-45 mins of talking is actually quite high if its spent well.
Do we have bad boring days, hell yeah. Currently we are having a fight, (don't pressure for too much sex, this is my weakpoint).
In general if we both seem bored out of our minds we either call it quits for the time bing (talk wise not realtionship) OR we have recently come up with the idea of playing games over msn messenger. I rock Reversi fyi, suck at checkers though.

Be inventive. Just talking everytime is boring.

Another thing me and my girlfriend have actually become better at communication now then we were before, so yes there is a plus side to ldr.

Regards
Cdn

[someone_like_u Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close someone_like_u]

Hey dummy!

Don't drill her for details because she may think you're controlling or that you don't trust her. Trust is the main ingredient in a ldr.

My husband at the moment is away at work. Normally, he's gone anywhere from 3-6 wks at a time. Currently 42 days There are some days that I feel I could spend hours on the phone with him, I can't get enough of hearing his voice. Other days, I don't really want to go through details of my day, or say much at all and we have short conversations. Those are the days where I miss him the most. I try not to sound so down-in-the-dumps when on the phone, because he's the one away at work, on night shift, away from his family, hulled up in a motel room. I just can't bear to hear his voice on those days.

I know my situation is different from yours, but don't read into her lack of interest too much. On the days that I miss him the most, I couldn't bear to see him on video chat, for wanting him too badly at home. I don't know how often you guys see each other, if ever, but it's hard. My husband and I both know, that some days, we're going to have bad days and it's nothing personal. When you don't see each other face to face each day and the only contact you have is maybe an hour a day phone conversation, you tend to read more into each detail they said and your imagination runs wild sometimes.

I don't know if I've helped you or confused you but I know when I'm moody with him, it's because I miss him so much!

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

Respect the fact that with all relationship regardless of distance, as time progresses things change.. the demands on a person time can change, a persons needs or priorities can change.
Just because she doesn't need to speak to you for hours and hours on end doesn't mean that her feelings for you have changed, it could mean that there has been a slight shift in her lifestyle.
Many couples after they have been together for awhile step back a little taking a little more me time, it doesn't mean the relationship is falling apart..it means its growing or changing(change doesn't just mean negatives)

I would suggest stop pressuring and guilt tripping her over the fact she only gives you a couple hours a day.
Stop being greedy recognize she has a life in the real world around her, if she gives you two hours a day you are a very lucky boy, just as she is very lucky to get that time from you.

If you stop focusing on what you aren't getting or what you use to have, you might find the spark returns a little.