Am I stupid

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

It's three months since the hardest breakup of my life and I'm through the pain. I am left with the real me, and the real me still loves her.

You may remember that I had an offer to work in Australia (I'm in the UK) when I first started seeing her, which I got them to put off, saying I needed 6 months to give this relationship a chance. Then 6 months later ... dead in the water. Convenient maybe? Who knows.

So anyway. The job offer just got renewed. With some urgency. And since it would represent me finally accepting I'll never have her back and moving on I had to contact her. I emailed, told her I had this wonderful offer, but I would drop it in a heartbeat for her, then went on to tell her why.

She replies in like 2 minutes, so it's an honest response, that she's going to cry.

so we've had mails back and fore now. We haven't "spoken" this much in months.

Most people I speak to say I should go to Australia. But that's the easy option, and not really what I want. One of my best friends said that if I feel I've got any chance with her (and now we're talking that chance just got a whole load better) then I should turn the job down, and that saying "Take me back or I'm going to the other side of the world" was unreasonable.

It was probably hanging over us from the start anyway. Certainly hanging over her, and if there is any chance of getting her back it mustn't continue to.

She mailed yesterday and said

I've been thinking and I think you need to stop being scared, stop using me as an excuse and get yourself out to australia - it sounds like that's your calling and that whatever path your life is to take, australia is part of the journey. - I would go if I were you ... I had a great time with you, I was very happy and I'm not sure what happened exactly for it to come to an end, I just needed to continue on my own - maybe I got scared, I really don't know. Maybe it was so you could go to Australia. ? X

So here's the thing. As unreasonable as it might be to rest it on her, if I've got no chance with her, I'll go. But it really is the easy option, running away. Turning it down to follow my heart, even if that leads nowhere, is way more difficult. So I am scared. But not of Oz. I'm not using her as an excuse, She's the reason. I'm scared of losing the best thing I ever had for good.

My flatmate was like "if it doesn't work out and you can't get her back, will you regret not going?". It's a good question. I don't think so.

I replied and said so, that going to Aus was the easy way out and following my heart was way harder, but right. I've asked her to come for coffee and talk with me sometime. And I've said she can call me any time. I await a response.

Am I stupid? Do you think I've got a chance?

[Padawan787 Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Padawan787]

You can always earn more money, find a better job, gain more financial security etc. but love is more difficult to come by, so if you really love her you should stay, but only only if you feel that you have a realistic chance of reconciliation

However, I don't think this is something you should be asking on a forum, it is a massive decision and one that you must make on your own...

[justadude Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close justadude]

Well if you do decide to come to Australia... theres plenty of fast girls Also what was the initial reason/s she wanted to break it off in the first place?

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Having love, a heart and compassion is never stupid, letting it cripple you could be, I voted no. I dont believe you are stupid at all.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

Continue on with your life. I dont believe in fate or weird sayings but many people do. There are many for your situation.
If you love her let her go. If you love him let him go. If it was meant to be it will be. Dont stop your life for another. You must be happy within and with yourself, respect yourself before anyone can or will.

From experience I can tell you this. Painful love (emotionally) is strong but it is not healthy. It is not complete. Its like a multi vitamin that's not enough or the quality sucks.

Its hard to believe there is something called happy or peaceful love. But there is. Sure all love is different but its there.

Good luck to you

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

... so if you really love her you should stay, but only only if you feel that you have a realistic chance of reconciliation

I honestly don't know. I know I love her, I know she loved me, so probably still does in some way. I know she's the best thing I ever had, and I'm not joking when I say I would give up anything for her. She told me I was the best guy she'd ever had. While breaking up with me.

Jobs come and go, though this is a hell of an opportunity. If we were together, no-brainer. I stay with no regrets. But we're not, and I really don't know if I can get her back.

Well if you do decide to come to Australia... theres plenty of fast girls Also what was the initial reason/s she wanted to break it off in the first place?

There's plenty of fast girls here in the UK too. I'm living with one right now But it's not the same.
As to why? Well that's a good question. The australia job offer was hanging over her I guess. She ended it 6 months after I told her I'd put the offer on hold for 6 months to give this thing a go. Overnight. Badly. And given what she said in that mail yesterday, maybe it was hanging over her more than I realised. And if so, it was way out of line for me to make the decision dependent on her by telling her. I said "Don't let me go" ... which might have been a bit mean. But it has got her talking to me again.

We probably moved too fast. She brought me into her life soon after meeting her. She met me at the station with her kids like 2 months in, and I was basically living with her for the last 4 months. It was bliss in every sense. Then she needed space, so I left for a week. A week where we talked on the phone every day. It was red hot as usual, then when I came back (to go to a party we planned to go to together) she basically shunned me the entire time. It turns out she offered herself out there, and probably did it, although she denies that furiously. Whatever, It doesn't matter and I don't care what she did now. Then she suddenly poured all sorts of doubts and issues on me on the drive back, from nowhere. "It's not you it's me" basically. But some things were me apparently.. A whole list of bullshit basically, like tiny things she made into issues so as to justify it to both of us.

I know that should she be willing to give me another chance, we have to move more slowly. Date even. I'm thinking if I can get her to come on a real date with me then it's in the bag. That may be naive. I don't know.

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

If there was no chance she'd have said so, right? I mean I told her she's the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her. She may not have reciprocated, but if she really didn't want me she would have said so, right? I would have been like "I don't want to hurt you, but this isn't happening. You should go." That isn't what she said. And it took her two days to respond with that.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

If there was no chance she'd have said so, right? I mean I told her she's the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her. She may not have reciprocated, but if she really didn't want me she would have said so, right? I would have been like "I don't want to hurt you, but this isn't happening. You should go." That isn't what she said. And it took her two days to respond with that.

No people dont say what we want them to say or what we want to hear. Just because a question is asked doesn't mean it will be answered. Especially in this case. Just because I love you and know you love me doesn't mean I chose you or you chose me. The rest of it and the rest of me may be just too hard to deal with.
Sometimes to know you have loved or been loved is enough and you move on and deal with your issues and life.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

If you want the job go to Australia, I ll go with ya if they want to hire aother dude who works hard. If you are for sure then one she wants she would also be willing to do anything for you, I would take the job and see how the rest plays out. If you have never heard the song unanswered prayers by Garth Brooks you really should listen to it. Country sappy stuff I know but its a great song and you can relate to it. Dont put your life in park for her, if she want s to be with you let her put her life in drive.......................Take the job

[secureman Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close secureman]

Jobs are like girlfriends pal there's always a new one. Now quit being a pussy and go to Australia. This chick will dump you in a month for being such a wussy anyways. I don't say this to be mean but from experience. If you stay for her you're taking the easy way out not the other way around. I know it's difficult when emotions get in the way I have that problem too. You have a better chance of getting back with her if you go out and live your life.

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

Jobs are like girlfriends pal there's always a new one. Now quit being a pussy and go to Australia. This chick will dump you in a month for being such a wussy anyways. I don't say this to be mean but from experience. If you stay for her you're taking the easy way out not the other way around. I know it's difficult when emotions get in the way I have that problem too. You have a better chance of getting back with her if you go out and live your life.

I've been with enough women before and had enough girlfriends before to know that this one meant a thousand times more. I've found three girls since the break up. I'm actually living with one of them now. As a paying lodger, not a boyfriend, but there are benefits

Not one of them could replace this one. I really do love her. It's not a question of me trying to seduce her by being "alpha" or something, and it's not the easy way out to stay either. I will probably lose the client and it'll be a struggle. Either way represents a new life I'll have to forge. Going to Australia represents running away from a lot of things that are difficult for me too. I wanted to move to Europe, learn a new language, really grow. Her and me discussed going together as well. Australia doesn't fulfil that desire. Well, the idea of it doesn't. And it's about as far away as I can go, save for the moon.

I don't intend on putting my life on hold for her. I just dont want it to go this way, because then she can't be a part of it, and I can't be a part of hers.

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

So I just mailed back.

I know Australia sounds like an amazing opportunity. And I guess it probably is. But it doesn't appeal to me. Maybe you remember me saying so before. Once or twice. It's a poor substitute for what I really want. As are dates at the moment, which is probably why they haven't gone very well. Too much information? Dunno.

I want you in my life. I miss you like crazy. If you don't want me in yours, if you don't feel I have anything to offer you or can make you happy then I'll just have to suck that up but I'm not walking without a fight. Fists if you like

I don't think that's wussy. Taking a risk on her is far harder since the job's already in the bag, but the relationship isn't. I'm trying to get her to come out, at least for a coffee with me. That's more likely to happen if I'm nearby to be fair, which ain't gonna happen before christmas now. I can stay with an old friend who lives round the corner from her for a night or two, so hopefully I can coerce her out. And who knows, maybe seeing each other in the flesh will make the whole thing much clearer on both sides.

[somebodyelse Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close somebodyelse]

okay... I'm going to be real with you. You should never let someone else dictate to you what you're going to do with your life.

It's ALWAYS better to have a story about the stuff you did, not the anecdotes about the stuff you could have. You let this opportunity go, you'll be letting a lot more than yourself down. you'll be letting your future down. Who knows, you may find a girl who you connect with like you did with her, in Australia and she won't be so binary...


I was going to post this earlier but didn't get a chance... I haven't read any other posts other than up to Islander's

[spanky Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close spanky]

okay... I'm going to be real with you. You should never let someone else dictate to you what you're going to do with your life.

It's ALWAYS better to have a story about the stuff you did, not the anecdotes about the stuff you could have. You let this opportunity go, you'll be letting a lot more than yourself down. you'll be letting your future down. Who knows, you may find a girl who you connect with like you did with her, in Australia and she won't be so binary...

Thing is just having an opportunity doesn't make it a must-do. It doesn't make it automatically right for me, or automatically part of my destiny. I'm not going to be less employable if I don't take it, I've got 12 solid years on my CV/resume that's a pretty good safety net, and I'm good at my job. So I don't need it. If it wasn't for my feelings for her then yes I would go. But not because it's a dream come true, it would be because it was there and why the hell not, seems better than a slap in the face so I may as well find out huh. And of course I'd get a story or two out of it. But I'd rather that that wasn't tainted by disappointment and the sense that I left the most emotionally powerful opportunity I've ever had drift away.

As to whether I actually have a chance to reconcile this thing for real? Well that's a good question.

Maybe if I don't fight for her now I've been put in a position where it's now or never, then THAT would be letting mysef and my future down? Finding someone who could make me feel this way, which has never happened before, is surely something I can't ignore? And she'll be another "one that got away" ... I've got one of those already, though I didn't fall in love with her, I just thought she was amazing and I screwed it up by not realising in time. I still regret that to this day.

[WalrusGumBoot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WalrusGumBoot]

Spanky, every time I have not taken a good opportunity for the sake of a girl, I have regretted it later. Sometimes it takes many years to realize where you took the wrong turn. This girl might have permanent guilt for holding you back, and that might interfere with what you want out of the relationship.

No, you are not stupid for wanting to see where it goes with her. However, if I were you I would take the job and spend some time apart. After 6 months or a year, you will get a better handle on if this girl is somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Remember that having a good woman is just part of the equation for having a fulfilling life.