Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Progress

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Progress

    Over the holiday season, I feel like I've made tremendous progress in my development as a person.

    I went to dinner with that 18-y/o girl I asked out over facebook. Let's give her a name: Wilma. We went out to dinner, the night before NYE, I paid, we had some good conversation about Star Trek and religion. Before we knew it, 2 hours had gone by, and we had to go to the dance venue! The venue was pretty follow-heavy, so she sat out a lot and I was being mobbed by follows asking me to dance. About 2 hours into it, I asked her if she was having fun. She said, "well,..." And then I suggested we duck out early. I brought her home, and that was it.

    Then I saw she has RSVP'd to a house party for NYE that I was also going to. I called her and asked if she had a ride. She didn't. Then I offered one. She accepted. We drove up, we talked about a lot of things. She told me about a bad breakup she had that year. I held out my hand, we held hands all the way up (a 1-hour drive). Before going inside, I told her that I probably knew a lot of people there, but I wanted to spend time with her. I'd go make my rounds and say hello to everyone I knew, then we could sit and cuddle on the couch and talk. After about an hour of being there, I didn't see anyone else I knew, so we went to the living room. We sat next to each other, I put my arm around her, she leaned in, and we talked about her family problems, and about my divorce (I wanted to relate to her breakup story). I felt really close to her.

    That night I'd tried to kiss her, on two occassions, but she turned her head. So after that I stopped trying. I also felt that if anything did start, it might make things complicated. I mean, she goes to school in New Mexico, PLUS she's only 18. If she were 1 year younger, I would be TWICE her age. My one friend said, "If she were 1 year younger, it'd be illegal." So I kinda decided not to label it, not to try and advance, and just enjoy it for what it was: two people connecting emotionally and enjoying each other's presence, without any pressure for it to be anything more.

    We hung out one more time, just a few days ago. I went to her house and we watched Inception together. We cuddled on the couch, held hands, generally being affectionate with each other. It felt nice. Afterwards, we went to her room, we talked about dreams (an obvious conversation topic considering the movie). Again, talking while she was in my arms. She's leaving back to NM on Sunday. She said she'll miss me, and that I should go visit. I doubt I will, but it's nice to hear that she wants to see me.

    ---------------------------

    Also, what I learned to do in my dancing, is to be really assertive and passionate. I rarely ask a girl if she wants to dance any more. Now I just walk up to them and sweep them onto the dancefloor. I've also learned to let my emotions go during the dance, and let myself "fall in love" with them for a few minutes at a time. I will turn my head towards them so they can feel my breath on their neck, or bring my lips very close to theirs without touching, or press my cheek against theirs, or otherwise do something to acknowledge their presence and create tension. I don't discriminate based on looks; I do this with all the women I dance with. They seem to be responding well; while I'm dancing, I notice other women are staring at me (I think they can sense my passion) and whispering to each other. One woman said that she was "intimidated" by me because she thought I was such a good dancer. Also, after the dancing is over, there would be several women hanging around me, wondering when I was going to be there next, and sometimes even giving me their phone number. I think my progress in the dancing scene is a precursor to the progress in the rest of my life.

    ---------------------------

    Another woman, let's call her Jen, older (my age), divorced, and has 2 kids, she needed someone to pick her up from the airport, and then needed a place to stay after dancing. I offered to do both, and took the opportunity to open up and get to know her. I found she was very affectionate, liked physical touch and hugs. We had a good chat on the way to the dancing place, and then after we got back. I had already set up the air mattress in the guest room, but then offered for her to stay in my bed since it would be more comfortable. I felt I was ready for some good cuddling. I had it in my head that I didn't want to "push" for anything more; as with Wilma, I wanted to let it be exactly what it was, not pressure it to be something more, and then enjoy what that turned out to be. We laid down in bed and cuddled together. It was the first time that someone else had been in my bed since the divorce. Initially it made me feel really good. Although, in the morning, I found that I very quickly fell back into same cuddle behavior as with my ex, and that kinda freaked me out a bit. However, after thinking about it for a while, the fact that I was comfortable with cuddling, but it scared me a bit, means that it's exactly what I need to work on next: it's just a tad bit outside of my comfort zone.

    ----------------------------

    I've also found that, generally, people are shy around others. But if you open yourself up first, and offer a hug or touch first, their barriers will come down. Physical touch makes people feel close to you (if done in a non-creepy way). Plus, once other people see you being physically close to someone else, they are more likely to initiate physical touch with you as well. I found that if I am more open with my hugging and touching, more people tend to open up and either invite hugs or just come out and hug me.

    I now have a notecard in my wallet that has my new goal written on it. I plan on keeping it there until I feel I've adequately achieved it, and then I will replace it with the next goal. I will decide what the next goal is once this current goal is accomplished. Right now the card reads:

    "practice connecting on a deep emotional level, being intimate, and outpouring your emotions."
    Qarzan
    Senior Member
    Last edited by Qarzan; 01-16-2012, 03:32 PM.
    Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
    Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

    Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
    Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

  • #2
    So, last night I went to a bar downtown. I knew this one girl was gonna be there. In fact, there were 2 potentials there last night. I saw one of them, they had come in with another man, so I didn't bother her. I saw the second one, gave a friendly "hello", pat on the shoulder, and then went on to say "hi" to my other friends.

    I've had my eye on her for about a month now. She's kind of short; about one head shorter than me. She's a bit stocky, but what attracts me to her is her confidence, the way she dresses, the way she dances and moves. We both went to a special Christmas dance with a live band. She was wearing fishnet stockings, had her hair done up, and had on some bright red lipstick; she went for the vintage look, and it worked really well for her. I approached her for a dance that night, as I walked up to her, she hiked up her skirt and adjusted her stockings. I said, "You're irresistible." Then started our really flirtatious exchanges.

    She danced really close to me, a lot of body contact, and she really leaned in so that I could feel her weight against me. It created a lot of contact points, from shoulders and chest all the way to the thighs. Needless to say, it was a hot dance. I walked away from her at the end of the song, fanning myself, and I had to sit down for a while.

    During the next week, we seemed to run into each other at almost every party and dance we went to. I probably saw her 4 times in the following week. We always had hot dances. I had a feeling she liked me, but wasn't sure. I also feel that she thought I liked her, but similarly wasn't sure. So we continued flirting and dancing.

    Last night at the bar, I asked her to dance again. I asked if she was from the LA area. Yeah, I know, this is the second time I've used this line. I already knew she was from LA, but I asked anyways, to set myself up for it. (see post above) I was getting a hard-on during the dance, but I didn't want to hide it. My attitude was more like, "Well, here it is! You turned me on, now you have to deal with it." She wasn't avoiding it, and continued with the close body contact. I used the methods described above, to create tension; turning my head towards her, bringing our lips close, synchronizing our breath (surprisingly, this last one works extremely well in making two people feel connected). I noticed she did not flinch; she kept her head facing me, she didn't back away, and in fact it made her more passionate.

    At the end of the song, I said, "Wow. I think I have to buy you dinner now."
    She said, "Yes, you do."
    And then I said, "Let's go sit on the couch." We looked for a spot, but there weren't any big enough for the two of us, so she sat on a single-seat ottoman, and I took a seat on one next to her, but separated by about half a foot. After we sat down, I reached my arms around her seat and pulled it in so that it was right next to mine (with her still on it). Then I put one arm around her waist, and with the other I held her hand.

    A friend came by with a camera and snapped a picture of us. She said, "Uh-oh, now it's official." I said, "Is that such a bad thing?"

    Anyways, more chatting, flirting, and kissing ensued. Everyone saw, and since dancers had basically taken over the bar, most of them knew us. Exchanged phone numbers, I said I'd call so we can arrange a time to have dinner and/or coffee. She was a little disappointed that I live an hour away. We danced 2 more songs, then I had to go because my ride was leaving.

    My expectations: don't label it, and enjoy it for what it is, which is two people with physical attraction, and maybe some mental/emotional connection as well. I want to try and see if I can implement all of these changes in my personality, and make it work while being involved with someone. At the same time, I'm going to take my Grand-Aunt's advice (she's 87 years old), and "keep looking" even though I've found this one. If things go well, maybe she can be my partner for experimenting with tantra, since my curiosity about it was piqued by a thread in this forum.

    All-in-all, I expect this to be a learning experience. Maybe it'll last longer than 3-6 months. Maybe not. But I hope to keep a cool head and enjoy experimenting with her.
    Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
    Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

    Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
    Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

    Comment


    • #3
      Very interesting! Keep posting these encounters, I know I for one could possibly use it as a way to boost my own confidence with ways to act towards women.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ok, so since some people seem to be reading these posts, and it's helping some, I will continue. Plus, it helps me in getting my feelings out.

        Monday night we went out to dinner. We did typical date stuff, talked about each other, and family, things like that. Conversation went pretty smoothly, I think it went well. I learned that she doesn't have a car, and in fact doesn't know how to drive, which is why she was disappointed that I live so far away.

        We went to the dance venue after dinner, I paid for my admission, she paid for hers. That way we didn't feel obligated to hang around each other, and could just go dance with our respective friends. Then after dancing, I gave her a ride back to her place.

        It took a while to find the car, I'm not used to parking in the city (I live in the suburbs). We walked around probably for a good 15 minutes. She was patient, and we held hands as we walked down the same stretch of road 2-3 times. On one corner, she stopped us, pulled me in, and kissed me really passionately. I got dizzy and stumbled as she let me go. She probably thought it was cute. Then we flagged down a cab and had him drive us around until we found it. It was actually on that same stretch of road, but somehow we kept walking past it.

        It was quite a drive to her place, clear across town, took about 30 minutes (San Fran is a small city, area-wise). We talked and she kept her hand on my thigh. Every once in a while when my right hand was not shifting gears (I have a manual transmission car), I would put my hand on top of hers. When we reached her place, I told her I'd walk her to the gate. Then she leaned over, grabbed me and pulled me close. Frantic makeout session ensued. Then she pulled away, we walked to the front gate of her apartment building. Second makeout session. Then as that died down, she said, "Are you gonna walk me to the inner gate?" So I did. Third makeout session in the lobby.

        At this point my hard-on was pressing against my jeans, and it was pretty uncomfortable. So I said, "Are we gonna go upstairs?" She took my hand and brought me into her apartment. She poured a glass of wine, she was about to get another glass and I said that we could share the same one. She put on some music and pushed me onto the couch. And this is where it got interesting. Note that we didn't have sex that evening, but I found out a lot about our potential compatibility, and the outlook is good.

        She said, as she was really laying into me, "I hope I'm not being too aggressive." In fact, it was really turning me on; I like assertive, aggressive women; I like being the prey instead of the predator. So I said, "I will let you know, and no, you're not being too aggressive."

        Also, following the advice from several other threads here on this forum, I didn't grab, squeeze, or rub her forcefully. I touched and caressed her lightly. However, she told me, "You can squeeze harder." I was glad that she felt comfortable enough to tell me what she wanted, so I said, "I like it when you tell me what to do." To which she responded, mischievously, "oh, really?"

        Later she said that she likes a heavy hand and being rough. I said that I was trying a lighter touch, and she said we could try a variety of light and heavy touch. Wow, I'd never had this much communication about sex before. I can foresee some really good sex with this girl, simply because she's not ashamed to talk about it and tell me what she wants.

        Anyways, she said, as we were on the couch, that she was trying to be good and not go into her room. I took that as a hint, brought the makeout session to a close a few minutes later, and then left. As I was leaving, I said, "I'll call you." She said, "You'd better." That was two days ago.

        Didn't call her the next day (yesterday), then she texted me today asking how I was doing. I responded with a typical "I'm fine, how's work?" kinda thing, she texted back about what she was doing. I thought to myself, "Wow, she's really into me." I waited about 4 hours and then decided to call. She said she was suprised that I called, she thought I wasn't gonna call back. We arranged for me to pick her up on Sunday (3 days from today) so we could have dinner together.

        -------------------------------

        Again, I don't see this as being anything too serious, but wouldn't be opposed to it. I'm in kind of a "take it as it comes" kinda mood with her.

        An interesting observation about myself that I've decided to explore: I had this epiphany, in thinking about relationships, and I started to challenge the idea of monogamy. It initially began as a simple idea: why does the existence of one romantic relationship automatically preclude any other one? In other words, when I'm involved with someone, why do people feel bad about creating another relationship? In examining this, I felt that this was a conditioned, learned response in me, so I wanted to challenge and possibly change it.

        I've picked up a book called "The Ethical Slut" that describes how to be polyamorous, and also be moral/ethical about it. It's interesting, and it really speaks to me. Here are a few quotes I found that resonate with me particularly well:

        "A subset of this myth is the belief that if you're really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others; ... a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals."

        "An outside involvement does not have to subtract in any way from the intimacy you share with your partner unless you let it."

        Anyways, the last thing I would want is to hurt this new girl, so if polyamory (having multiple lovers) starts to be something I'm seriously considering, I will tell her right away and give her the option to stay or leave. Either way, I will not let my relationship with her govern where I will go next in my personal development (ie- I will not stay monogamous simply to stay in a relationship with her if I want to become polyamorous).
        Qarzan
        Senior Member
        Last edited by Qarzan; 01-19-2012, 03:11 AM.
        Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
        Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

        Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
        Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

        Comment


        • #5
          Last night went dancing again. Before I headed out, I tried to set my head straight. I looked at my goal card to keep my focus: "practice connecting on a deep emotional level, being intimate, and outpouring your emotions."

          The point of flirting is to make people feel good about themselves. If they're creeped out by it, then it doesn't make them feel good. Curb the creepiness, flirt when it's invited.

          Overall I had a really good night of dancing. Pretty small crowd, probably about 25 or so dancers. I had some really expressive dances. I feel I'm also learning how to be more sensitive to more subtle signals of interest. Like I said earlier, I'm using certain techniques to create tension, and then I'm seeing how women tend to react to them.

          Last night there were 2 women, 1 of them was tall, nice curvy full figure. She approached me while snaking her hips and shoulders, it was very very sexy. Then I said, "Damn, how can I say no to that?" She got really into the dance, and then when we danced really close and I turned my head slightly towards hers (in a subtle, non-creepy way), she slightly turned her head away. So that let me know that she's really just into the dancing, and not necessarily into me... yet. So we continued dancing and I made it about the dance. It's really about figuring out what they want and giving it to them.

          Another woman, short, cute, smiley and giggly, I did the same move on her, turned my head towards hers. She had the opposite reaction: she turned her head towards mine. So I took it one step further; I said, "You smell nice." Which was true. She said, "I was just about to say the same to you." Now, whether or not this means interest is not yet clear. What is clear is that she's open to flirtation, which can develop into interest.

          Flirting makes me feel good, but only when it is reciprocated. Otherwise, the woman feels creeped out, and that makes me feel creepy. Sensitivity and subtlety is the key. Flirt when it's invited.

          I'm going up to the city to meet up with that woman from the bar (see post #2) this Sunday, taking her out to dinner. She called it a "second date." Not my words, hers. I'd decided after the whole Karen thing not to label it as dates, but it seems that it's fine if the woman decides to label it as such. Gonna be exciting, I want to talk to her about sex some more; establish a good foundation of communication, because I get really turned on when she tells me what to do and how she likes it.
          Qarzan
          Senior Member
          Last edited by Qarzan; 01-20-2012, 02:04 PM.
          Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
          Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

          Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
          Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

          Comment


          • #6
            Umm ,this is connecting on a deep emotional level?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Pegasus View Post
              Umm ,this is connecting on a deep emotional level?
              Good question.
              Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
              Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

              Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
              Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

              Comment


              • #8
                I've thought about it more, and the answer to your question is: "yes."

                Although I would say it's more about practicing connecting on a deep emotional level, which includes knowing when to make that connection and when not to. Physical intimacy is a precursor to emotional intimacy, whether it be hugs, kisses, cuddles, holding hands, or even sex. Flirting is a precursor to physical intimacy. So, if someone is open to flirting, then we move forward to touching, hugging, cuddling. If that's ok, then we can move forward into emotional intimacy.

                Also, I think it ties more into the goals of "being intimate, and outpouring your emotions."

                EDIT: And, thank you for asking the question and making me clarify what I am doing. It helped me define it for myself.
                Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
                Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

                Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
                Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Had a great time with that girl from the bar. Let's call her... Debbie. I picked her up at work, she was a lot cuter than I remembered her. We went out to dinner, it was really good, we talked and found out more about each other. Then we took a walk around the neighborhood. She wanted to take a walk through the park; it was pretty dark there. We stopped every once in a while to make out.

                  It started raining pretty hard, so we were running from one awning to the next, making out under each awning, until we made it to the car. We got back to her house, her roommate was home with another guy. They asked us to watch "King of the Hill" with them, so we obliged for about 15 minutes, and then I whispered to Debbie, "Let's go back to your room and... talk. I'll go first." I got up and left. Debbie followed closely behind. Long story short, we eventually got naked, I pulled out the 3 condoms I had in my jacket.

                  I started with oral, and then she told me to use my fingers, which drove her nuts. So glad she's not ashamed to tell me these things. I had some trouble getting an erection, but could maintain it for a bit once I got the condom on. All-in-all, I think she came about 3 times, I didn't come at all. I told her that I had been married for 7 years, and hadn't used condoms for 9 years, so I'd just have to get used to it. I think this was mainly the truth.

                  I just bought some Horny Goat Weed tea, and Gingko/Green Tea/Ginseng tea. Hopefully that'll help a bit. But, I do think once I can cum 2 or 3 times with a condom on, my mind will be set and the problem will be resolved. It just requires a different mental state and different neural pathway, which has to be learned.

                  Some interesting things we learned about ourselves/each other:
                  - I like the feeling of being tied up/held down.
                  - I also like the feeling of tying her up/holding her down.
                  - She likes the feeling of being tied up/held down.
                  - I found that I really like the "reverse cowgirl" position.
                  - She likes being spanked, hard.
                  - She likes being bitten lightly.
                  - We both like to feel each others' full weight on top of us.
                  Qarzan
                  Senior Member
                  Last edited by Qarzan; 01-23-2012, 04:12 PM.
                  Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
                  Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

                  Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
                  Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I wouldn't worry about the condom thing. Like you said, just takes getting used to. I would spank with condoms on to get used to them.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      We went dancing last night. I felt like I was getting more signals, from all over the place. One woman saw me, gave me a hug, then snuggled really close to me and leaned in for a kiss. I turned my head and had her kiss me on the cheek. Then she asked me where I lived, and surprisingly we live pretty close to each other.

                      I ran into one of my sister's friends. I'd never seen her before, but my sister was telling me how one of her friends is also a blues dancer. We danced, she's actually pretty good. She responded positively to my tension-building techniques, and when I went to say goodbye, we locked eyes as I went in for a hug, then she asked if I was going to be there the following week.

                      P, who I had written about before, East Indian girl, seems to be responding to my stronger signals and higher confidence.

                      I had to stop and think about what I was doing, though. Nothing else has started with any of these other women, but I feel that I need to disclose this to Debbie and give her the decision of whether to stay or get out. Any other way besides full disclosure would lead to disaster later on down the road. If I tell her now that I'm questioning monogamy and would like to explore polyamory, before anything else starts, this seems most fair, even though it would most likely mean that she would choose not to continue. If I choose not to tell her, and only tell her once something else has started with another woman, I will have effectively cheated on her, she wouldn't believe in my sincerity of following polyamory, and we would both be hurt much more.

                      And, reflecting upon it, the only reason I wouldn't tell her now would be out of fear of losing her, and/or because I want to use her for sex, which is disrespectful. Full disclosure is the best way to go.

                      --------------------------

                      Oh, also: success! I finally came last night with her, with a condom on. It was one of the most mindblowing orgasms I've had in a LOOOONG time. I think it's because of all the kegels I've been doing during my PE workouts. She was happy that I got off, and she also came twice. I credit this success to both the Horny Goat Weed, and the thinner condoms I used.
                      Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
                      Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

                      Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
                      Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Ok so I just ordered some leather wrist restraints and 32 feet of bondage rope. Can't wait for the weekend!

                        If that goes well, I'll see about ordering a paddle for some spanking. Fun!
                        Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
                        Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

                        Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
                        Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I've just clarified my next goal for personal improvement: I want to learn to create feelings of intimacy and closeness with words.

                          Tone of voice, body language, and word choice can go along with physical touch in just the right way to make people feel closer to you. Talking to someone with a soft gentle smile, leaning in close for a hug, touching your cheek to theirs, and calling them things like "honey", "sugar", "sweetie", or "baby" can make them feel ready to open up to you more.

                          I want to do this with Heather (the hot victoria's-secret-model-esque woman), because I feel like I'm really close with her, and I want to express it; not because I want to get in her pants.
                          Starting (3/14/2011) = 5" x 4"
                          Current (7/16/2013) = 5.75" x 4.125"

                          Short-Term Goal = BPEL 6"
                          Long-Term Goal = 7.5" x 5.5"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think i liked you better before..that is just me.
                            ~ If.....
                            ~ TTBB big-ginners program for JPopping boobies
                            ~ Lust and Love


                            “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”




                            Comment


                            • #15
                              These posts are awesome and I can totally understand what you are thinking in nearly every situation you find yourself in. Well done sir.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X