Over the holiday season, I feel like I've made tremendous progress in my development as a person.
I went to dinner with that 18-y/o girl I asked out over facebook. Let's give her a name: Wilma. We went out to dinner, the night before NYE, I paid, we had some good conversation about Star Trek and religion. Before we knew it, 2 hours had gone by, and we had to go to the dance venue! The venue was pretty follow-heavy, so she sat out a lot and I was being mobbed by follows asking me to dance. About 2 hours into it, I asked her if she was having fun. She said, "well,..." And then I suggested we duck out early. I brought her home, and that was it.
Then I saw she has RSVP'd to a house party for NYE that I was also going to. I called her and asked if she had a ride. She didn't. Then I offered one. She accepted. We drove up, we talked about a lot of things. She told me about a bad breakup she had that year. I held out my hand, we held hands all the way up (a 1-hour drive). Before going inside, I told her that I probably knew a lot of people there, but I wanted to spend time with her. I'd go make my rounds and say hello to everyone I knew, then we could sit and cuddle on the couch and talk. After about an hour of being there, I didn't see anyone else I knew, so we went to the living room. We sat next to each other, I put my arm around her, she leaned in, and we talked about her family problems, and about my divorce (I wanted to relate to her breakup story). I felt really close to her.
That night I'd tried to kiss her, on two occassions, but she turned her head. So after that I stopped trying. I also felt that if anything did start, it might make things complicated. I mean, she goes to school in New Mexico, PLUS she's only 18. If she were 1 year younger, I would be TWICE her age. My one friend said, "If she were 1 year younger, it'd be illegal." So I kinda decided not to label it, not to try and advance, and just enjoy it for what it was: two people connecting emotionally and enjoying each other's presence, without any pressure for it to be anything more.
We hung out one more time, just a few days ago. I went to her house and we watched Inception together. We cuddled on the couch, held hands, generally being affectionate with each other. It felt nice. Afterwards, we went to her room, we talked about dreams (an obvious conversation topic considering the movie). Again, talking while she was in my arms. She's leaving back to NM on Sunday. She said she'll miss me, and that I should go visit. I doubt I will, but it's nice to hear that she wants to see me.
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Also, what I learned to do in my dancing, is to be really assertive and passionate. I rarely ask a girl if she wants to dance any more. Now I just walk up to them and sweep them onto the dancefloor. I've also learned to let my emotions go during the dance, and let myself "fall in love" with them for a few minutes at a time. I will turn my head towards them so they can feel my breath on their neck, or bring my lips very close to theirs without touching, or press my cheek against theirs, or otherwise do something to acknowledge their presence and create tension. I don't discriminate based on looks; I do this with all the women I dance with. They seem to be responding well; while I'm dancing, I notice other women are staring at me (I think they can sense my passion) and whispering to each other. One woman said that she was "intimidated" by me because she thought I was such a good dancer. Also, after the dancing is over, there would be several women hanging around me, wondering when I was going to be there next, and sometimes even giving me their phone number. I think my progress in the dancing scene is a precursor to the progress in the rest of my life.
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Another woman, let's call her Jen, older (my age), divorced, and has 2 kids, she needed someone to pick her up from the airport, and then needed a place to stay after dancing. I offered to do both, and took the opportunity to open up and get to know her. I found she was very affectionate, liked physical touch and hugs. We had a good chat on the way to the dancing place, and then after we got back. I had already set up the air mattress in the guest room, but then offered for her to stay in my bed since it would be more comfortable. I felt I was ready for some good cuddling. I had it in my head that I didn't want to "push" for anything more; as with Wilma, I wanted to let it be exactly what it was, not pressure it to be something more, and then enjoy what that turned out to be. We laid down in bed and cuddled together. It was the first time that someone else had been in my bed since the divorce. Initially it made me feel really good. Although, in the morning, I found that I very quickly fell back into same cuddle behavior as with my ex, and that kinda freaked me out a bit. However, after thinking about it for a while, the fact that I was comfortable with cuddling, but it scared me a bit, means that it's exactly what I need to work on next: it's just a tad bit outside of my comfort zone.
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I've also found that, generally, people are shy around others. But if you open yourself up first, and offer a hug or touch first, their barriers will come down. Physical touch makes people feel close to you (if done in a non-creepy way). Plus, once other people see you being physically close to someone else, they are more likely to initiate physical touch with you as well. I found that if I am more open with my hugging and touching, more people tend to open up and either invite hugs or just come out and hug me.
I now have a notecard in my wallet that has my new goal written on it. I plan on keeping it there until I feel I've adequately achieved it, and then I will replace it with the next goal. I will decide what the next goal is once this current goal is accomplished. Right now the card reads:
"practice connecting on a deep emotional level, being intimate, and outpouring your emotions."
I went to dinner with that 18-y/o girl I asked out over facebook. Let's give her a name: Wilma. We went out to dinner, the night before NYE, I paid, we had some good conversation about Star Trek and religion. Before we knew it, 2 hours had gone by, and we had to go to the dance venue! The venue was pretty follow-heavy, so she sat out a lot and I was being mobbed by follows asking me to dance. About 2 hours into it, I asked her if she was having fun. She said, "well,..." And then I suggested we duck out early. I brought her home, and that was it.
Then I saw she has RSVP'd to a house party for NYE that I was also going to. I called her and asked if she had a ride. She didn't. Then I offered one. She accepted. We drove up, we talked about a lot of things. She told me about a bad breakup she had that year. I held out my hand, we held hands all the way up (a 1-hour drive). Before going inside, I told her that I probably knew a lot of people there, but I wanted to spend time with her. I'd go make my rounds and say hello to everyone I knew, then we could sit and cuddle on the couch and talk. After about an hour of being there, I didn't see anyone else I knew, so we went to the living room. We sat next to each other, I put my arm around her, she leaned in, and we talked about her family problems, and about my divorce (I wanted to relate to her breakup story). I felt really close to her.
That night I'd tried to kiss her, on two occassions, but she turned her head. So after that I stopped trying. I also felt that if anything did start, it might make things complicated. I mean, she goes to school in New Mexico, PLUS she's only 18. If she were 1 year younger, I would be TWICE her age. My one friend said, "If she were 1 year younger, it'd be illegal." So I kinda decided not to label it, not to try and advance, and just enjoy it for what it was: two people connecting emotionally and enjoying each other's presence, without any pressure for it to be anything more.
We hung out one more time, just a few days ago. I went to her house and we watched Inception together. We cuddled on the couch, held hands, generally being affectionate with each other. It felt nice. Afterwards, we went to her room, we talked about dreams (an obvious conversation topic considering the movie). Again, talking while she was in my arms. She's leaving back to NM on Sunday. She said she'll miss me, and that I should go visit. I doubt I will, but it's nice to hear that she wants to see me.
---------------------------
Also, what I learned to do in my dancing, is to be really assertive and passionate. I rarely ask a girl if she wants to dance any more. Now I just walk up to them and sweep them onto the dancefloor. I've also learned to let my emotions go during the dance, and let myself "fall in love" with them for a few minutes at a time. I will turn my head towards them so they can feel my breath on their neck, or bring my lips very close to theirs without touching, or press my cheek against theirs, or otherwise do something to acknowledge their presence and create tension. I don't discriminate based on looks; I do this with all the women I dance with. They seem to be responding well; while I'm dancing, I notice other women are staring at me (I think they can sense my passion) and whispering to each other. One woman said that she was "intimidated" by me because she thought I was such a good dancer. Also, after the dancing is over, there would be several women hanging around me, wondering when I was going to be there next, and sometimes even giving me their phone number. I think my progress in the dancing scene is a precursor to the progress in the rest of my life.
---------------------------
Another woman, let's call her Jen, older (my age), divorced, and has 2 kids, she needed someone to pick her up from the airport, and then needed a place to stay after dancing. I offered to do both, and took the opportunity to open up and get to know her. I found she was very affectionate, liked physical touch and hugs. We had a good chat on the way to the dancing place, and then after we got back. I had already set up the air mattress in the guest room, but then offered for her to stay in my bed since it would be more comfortable. I felt I was ready for some good cuddling. I had it in my head that I didn't want to "push" for anything more; as with Wilma, I wanted to let it be exactly what it was, not pressure it to be something more, and then enjoy what that turned out to be. We laid down in bed and cuddled together. It was the first time that someone else had been in my bed since the divorce. Initially it made me feel really good. Although, in the morning, I found that I very quickly fell back into same cuddle behavior as with my ex, and that kinda freaked me out a bit. However, after thinking about it for a while, the fact that I was comfortable with cuddling, but it scared me a bit, means that it's exactly what I need to work on next: it's just a tad bit outside of my comfort zone.
----------------------------
I've also found that, generally, people are shy around others. But if you open yourself up first, and offer a hug or touch first, their barriers will come down. Physical touch makes people feel close to you (if done in a non-creepy way). Plus, once other people see you being physically close to someone else, they are more likely to initiate physical touch with you as well. I found that if I am more open with my hugging and touching, more people tend to open up and either invite hugs or just come out and hug me.
I now have a notecard in my wallet that has my new goal written on it. I plan on keeping it there until I feel I've adequately achieved it, and then I will replace it with the next goal. I will decide what the next goal is once this current goal is accomplished. Right now the card reads:
"practice connecting on a deep emotional level, being intimate, and outpouring your emotions."
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