Learning to court.

[Willowtree Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Willowtree]

Hey guys,

Firstly, I apologise if this post is inappropriate for this forum, as it may be abit too "bloggish", and not posing a question for direct discussion.

Some may remember a thread I started previously about a girl I planned to ask out, my first, and what went down. In short, we ended up going out, having an amazing time, and doing the same the next week. And that's where it sort of fell apart. Looking back, and listening to her comments, I didn't let it develop organically and slowly.

In my rush to step out of the box of a "beta" and into an "alpha", I came on too heavy, too soon, I ended up making her feel pressured about our relationship dynamic. I was on an honesty kick, and I didn't realise the implications of that, from the perspective of the other individual involved, that talking openly and honestly to a large extent can be "scary" for the other. I wasn't aware of the pressure I was putting on her. That, combined with being classmates seems to be the straw to break the camels back.

She even compared it to me viewing her as an objective, and not an organic person.

We are still friends, and will probably get to know eachother moreso as time passes. We've gone out together since this happened, and all is well between us.

At the moment my infatuation is telling me that she is perfect, beautiful, and it is a tradegy that I messed this up. I know this is a lie, atleast the "perfect" and "tradegy" parts haha. It is also telling me that in time, as we get to know eachother better, the oppurtunity may come to try again. This I believe could be true, but again, I must push the thought from my head. It's not healthy for me, or our friendship.

I aim to play the field as of now. I'm seeing another girl on the weekend.

So looking back, I've learnt there is far more to getting the girl to "having confidence", and being willing to take a risk.

That's just the first step in the process.

Any advice for the actual process of courting a woman?

I've now learnt it's a process, and that it's not just a on/off type of scenario. That and that sometimes it's best to let the situation develop rather than just attempting to talk through it. A lot of my classmates talk about "game", which I've never really took a liking to previously, but now looking at them, and now that I have the confidence to actually try, maybe I should try going out with them and seeing what they do, and seeing what I think is appropriate to my own life.

Right now that is just that "fun", and cockiness, is by far more where the emphasis lies, atleast initially, than "depth".

Again, sorry for the rambling post.

I hate feeling like I've lost the right woman, even when I know there are so many more out there.

Regardless, I've emerged stronger, and wiser, even if at the moment I feel weaker.

[Qarzan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qarzan]

My advice for courting, or at least what works for me, is going out and focusing on having fun, above all else.

Like what you said, focusing on courting, especially in an obvious/forceful way will make the girl feel pressured, and will drive her away. Instead, learn to go out and just have fun. When this happens, I make lots of friends real fast. I tend to become this beacon of light, and have even had people tell me such. This attracts women. They will start flocking to you. Then you just take your pick.

So, in short:

1) Have fun.
2) Make friends (which is actually just a result of #1)
3) Don't worry about finding a girl. As long as you're focused on #1, it'll happen.

[Influence Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Influence]

Trial and error.

You're young, you've almost lost a woman you see as perfect, and now you've begun to look at your flaws. Good job.

Most men never look at themselves objectively and because of it they struggle with women that are below them and live lives that are reactive instead of active.

Delve into PUA and napoleon hill. You'll find a lot of bullshit but if you sift through it you'll be a much stronger and attractive man.

Goodluck

[bang Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bang]

[QUOTE=Qarzan;658462]My advice for courting, or at least what works for me, is going out and focusing on having fun, above all else.

Like what you said, focusing on courting, especially in an obvious/forceful way will make the girl feel pressured, and will drive her away. Instead, learn to go out and just have fun. When this happens, I make lots of friends real fast. I tend to become this beacon of light, and have even had people tell me such. This attracts women. They will start flocking to you. Then you just take your pick.=QUOTE]

This is so true. Women prefer "fun" over funny. By trying to be funny a girl will sense this and she will know your trying and it will kill any feeling she may have for you. Both of you actually end up having fun, when you focus on fun. Fun leads to attraction because you're not afraid to be yourself she will get comfortable around you really quick. I'll share with you one of my experiences.....

I remember the first meeting with the last girl I met, which went on to become a date. We went from making small talk at a park, to going to a mall. I was thinking "fun" - she wanted to go clothes shopping as chicks do. How do you have fun? Pick out the most craziest stuff you can! I found a bright highlighter yellow bikini it was rather small too. Walked up to her, smiling. At first she didn't know. To which I said "You really suit bright colors" (she did). She still didn't know. That's a test. Stick to your guns. Be funny - so I said "Trust me I'm a fashion designer". I'm not but if your laughing its obviously a joke. She laughed too and got that bikini! We went swimming a while later. Guys and chicks were catching glances at her. That was a pretty awesome ego boost for me knowing I was the one who got her in it. And then later out of it ;p. I did all that from focusing on having fun with her.

[Ivor Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ivor]

I haven't read your whole post - sorry, will give more time to it tomorrow, it's late here - but you need to ditch this 'alpha/beta' bullshit, pronto. Seriously, it's a load of rubbish. I'm sure you'll have more success once you've got rid of that mindset.

[Qarzan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qarzan]

Delve into PUA and napoleon hill. You'll find a lot of bullshit but if you sift through it you'll be a much stronger and attractive man.

Goodluck

I personally found PUA to be quite helpful soon after my divorce. It helped me get over my fear of looking bad around attractive women. For me, it was like a crutch: useful when you're injured, but a hindrance once you're at full capacity.

[Ivor Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ivor]

Everything I've read and heard about the whole PUA scene makes it sound frankly like a creepy cult. Though having said that, there may be some sound basic advice you get from it about improving your confidence, making women laugh and whatnot. Just be careful not to get sucked into the so-called "psychology" and all the game-theory "well they're a 6 and an 8 which means I should flirt with the 6 first" bullshit.

[Ivor Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ivor]

BTW you deserve massive props for using a term as endearingly old-fashioned as 'courting', love it.

[Whiteboy16 Member Find all posts View Profile Close Whiteboy16]

So, in short:

1) Have fun.
2) Make friends (which is actually just a result of #1)
3) Don't worry about finding a girl. As long as you're focused on #1, it'll happen.

This. Exactly this. Have fun and be someone that people want to be around. You'll find women will actually approach you and indicate their interest. You won't have to engage in alpha male 'hunts' anymore. Just be that guy.

[Willowtree Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Willowtree]

Thanks for the responses guys, and the appreciation of my word choice.

About my use of alpha, and beta, I meant that to clarify somebody who was confident in themselves and willing to go out on a limb for what they want, willing to take that risk. I never used to do that. It just shook me up how this experience went so drastically different to how I expected, and now looking back, and at myself ( as I'm always one for self improvement), that depth, and honesty, was my problem, or atleast how I went about it.

So we learn.

My opinion on PUA has been previously that it is a load of nonsense, whereas now I think it still is a majority nonsense, with some effective truths for getting who and what you want. In short, I think now it's important to maintain a position of power whilst going for somebody, instead of just diving right after them. Especially if you haven't had time to "read" their nature. Being cool, being chilled, in short, instead of a hopeless romantic.

About this particular girl though, any advice on the path I've decided on? She seems keen to be friends as usual, coming up to me, initiating conversations, hugging me etc. She also messaged me of her own accord on Monday morning, saying that " She is sorry for freaking out so much", and laying the ground for future plans.

I wouldn't say there is a "bitchy" bone in her body. More so that she is either naturally skittish, or got hurt before, and I came on way too strong, being all naive and infatuation filled. I strongly feel that if I had approached her differently, or her perception of my "needs" change, then I could have had her. She claimed that I treated her the best a guy ever has, and that I am a great guy.

I also know that for now, she has decided on us being platonic friends, and that is there NO "hidden hope" in the above words. I just feel her reasoning was moreso out of fear than any direct evidence.

I've decided, after much thought, to try to distance myself from her. I can't be friends with someone whom I feel is "perfect" for me, and I can't win her over by pinning after her whilst trying to be friends just yet. I need to be honest with myself, and my goals, even if it isn't precisely what I want to do. I've also decided that I need to talk less, and do more.

So I've decided to stop initiating any conversations of depths, not making an effort to be with her during classes that we share, stop messaging her,whilst at the same time not ignoring her. Just continuing as if my life is busy, and full, which it is, and that I simply can't fit her in.

Doing so, I can focus on other girls and rid myself of this infatuation, and get a clearer view of the world again.

At the same time, over time if I feel that she is still worth the effort, I think I will be in a far stronger position to actually get her, after having hopefully changed her perception of me. This would be after I'm done feeling that I need her in my life, more so that I've decided that I still WANT her, at which point I can try again, far more subtle, and far more chilled.

Any words from anybody who has been in a similar situation? Or just from the outside looking in?

It seems to me to be the best way forward, regardless of whether my goals are to be her friend, or to be something more.

Just at the moment, I still feel as if I need her, so there is still a ways to go toward telling that it is working.