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Assessing someone new including their past

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  • Assessing someone new including their past

    Good morning!

    I am wondering:

    Men: What would I have to admit about my past or the past of my loved ones that would cause you to change your view about me OR consider leaving me all together after learning about it. Excluding gang bangs, being in porn, domestic abuse

    Women: Knowing how we can easily ignore negatives about the men we love, what about their past would be deal breakers for you?

    I know this broad but maybe you briefly talk about what you consider red flags, simply life mistakes, past that are over a certain number of years ago etc...

    Examples: financial irresponsibility, no long term relationships (over 5 years), pot/drug use....

    I really would like to evoke the ten year rule. If it happened ten years ago no need to bring it up. What do you think?

    What is very interesting is judging people for things that you did or people in your life right now did or what they did is worse than what the new person has done. So look in the mirror. If you forgave others for things that are the same or worse why would you judge the new person so harshly?

    Thank you!
    islander
    Senior Member
    Last edited by islander; 10-28-2013, 09:32 AM.
    The Dick is the Best Toy Ever!

  • #2
    10 year rule is a good idea. People do have the capacity to change and better themselves. Oh yes they can become worse as well but what they did over the last 10 years is a good idea as to what they are now, in my humble opinion! ( now that's an oxymoron- me and humble in the same sentence)
    The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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    • #3
      I would say immediate red flags are divorce and time since a divorce (time frame dependent on length of marriage... Rule of thumb for me is no less than 4 years since divorce) and children.

      I don't really have a bunch of red flags because most of the time it's situational. Someone who bases a decision as personal as chosing a mate on cursory information based on a basic question is kind of short sighted and prejudiced.

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      • #4
        Hey Islander,

        For me, it would be situational; I think a deal-breaker would be any skeletons in his past that could rear their ugly head to complicate or ruin our blossoming relationship. For example, a meddling unstable ex or a bankruptcy that is still in effect.

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        • #5
          Hello,

          I guess I would take a look at how she's treated people in the past who've cared about her. If she's treated them badly, then she'll probably treat me badly. For example, if she's cheated in past. I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

          Red flags: Someone who is not genuine, trustworthy, doesn't live within her means.

          And, honestly, if she really enjoys well endowed guys, she probably isn't for me. There are plenty of guys out there for her to choose with those qualifications, but I would prefer to date a woman who is smaller in that area.

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          • #6
            All great points! Keep em coming
            The Dick is the Best Toy Ever!

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            • #7
              The past is past, and its only yours to keep or share as you wish. However I say, sharing is caring, and honestly, I'd be thrilled to know that someone still likes me after knowing my "perceived" flaws (its usually not one's wrong doing though), otherwise I feel its not me whom they like.

              I can't think of something that would make me change my view on a lady let alone leave her, including what you excluded , people make mistakes and learn from them, no one is perfect.

              And I really love your last paragraph.
              A real man never hurts a woman. The woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on, and not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved. - Mrs. workin_4_it

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              • #8
                Thank you Mrb8. I consider myself a very fair and reasonable person. I really want my partner to know have no shame when telling me about your past. If you truly feel my love and affection towards you trust that I will not judge you based on your past. But rather who you are now, what you have over come and who you are to and with me. Make your future the best it can be and try to live and peaceful free life.
                The Dick is the Best Toy Ever!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Myself honestly there is nothing I can think of a woman can tell me that happened in her past that would affect our future or how I would feel about her. the only thing that matters to me is what you do from the moment we hook up moving forward. I think I should know if you have been in legal trouble that could affect us down the road or if you have kids living with an ex that could affect our relationship or major medical issues or prior financial commitments.

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                  • #10
                    A deal breaker for me has changed over the years. I have let things go in the past, now I would not tolerate. A deal breaker for me would be supporting another -outside our immediate family without a consult. A deal breaker would be making a promise and then withdrawing from it. Saying you will be somewhere and then not showing up. I agree with the ten -year rule as long as the problem in the past has been satisfied-and total truth is brought to surface. If not, ten-year rule does not apply. Ten year rule can be viewed as just an escape from the truth -if all is not brought out in the open. People rarely change their basic philosphy.
                    Consciousness and intention matter here.

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                    • #11
                      Assuming that the person in front of you is put together,(job, life, finances, home) I like the ten year idea. I'm a different person than I was ten years ago. I would do a lot of things differently now if they were presented again, because I have grown since then and it was those experiences that grew me. I don't think you necessarily need to know the details of someones past, especially if it had nothing to do with you. You can tell a lot about a person based on what they are able to understand, forgive and accept. I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone rigid in these areas because to me that indicates a black and white mentality which usually comes from inexperience or lack exposure to life's hard lessons which only come from making your own mistakes and not just sitting on a bench judging the actions of others who dare to take the risk of actually living life! I have found that those who have been through "it" don't really ask for a bunch of details from the people around them, there is a calm about them, a understanding, as though they know that what ever it is they can handle it. Your either okay enough with yourself that others past can't hurt you or your not, and then the problem is really you. I personally like a person with a little dark in their past. If you need a friend you can usually count on them to not look at you with "crazed bewilderment" rather with acceptance and a "okay, so what do we/you wanna do next?" Naw, these are good friends/lovers and people.
                      anonymity
                      Senior Member
                      Last edited by anonymity; 10-30-2013, 08:59 AM.
                      Draggin Trainer

                      Tikkun Olam

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                      • #12
                        ^ Sounds pretty grouchy to me! Maybe breakfast would help; it works for me!
                        The world's still a toy if you just stay a boy!

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by CUSP82 View Post
                          ^ Sounds pretty grouchy to me! Maybe breakfast would help; it works for me!
                          Morning Mr.Cusp! Well, I sure didn't mean to sound grouchy love! Here let me get you a coffee to prove I'm not.
                          Draggin Trainer

                          Tikkun Olam

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                          • #14
                            wheres my coffee

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                            • #15
                              Okay that's two.
                              Draggin Trainer

                              Tikkun Olam

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