Negative thoughts and self-blaming

[Steneo Senior MemberPEGym Hero Member of the Month Dec 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close Steneo]

In my time here at the gym I've seen a good bit of this habit. That is, people who perhaps don't have the best, most active sexual relationship with their partner and they choose to blame themselves for it. Whether it be that they think themselves not attractive enough, not good enough at sex, in possession of a penis that is too small to be pleasurable to their partner, etc. I know I have personally thought all of these things about myself, many times in fact.

There have been a couple of others I've seen recently and it got me thinking that there are probably a LOT of men who do this and maybe we can have a discussion about it. Anybody else out there do it? Anybody have things you have done or tried that have helped or not? Helpful advice to give on the subject? I'd chip in right now with something helpful but I'm quite possibly one of the worst offenders of doing this to myself on the site... I still think these things about myself fairly regularly though thankfully not as often as I once did thanks to the PEGym and some specific members

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

I do believe that the best way to combat negative thoughts in general would be having a positive outlook on the big picture.

Education, education, education. Do your research before coming to conclusions, most culturally influenced preconceived ideas are WRONG and misleading, and some "scientific studies" suffer from a certain degree of bias, read and digest, think then conclude, a positive support group like we find here is definitely beneficial, and for more than just size or anxiety discussions, I know we can discuss rocket science here if the need arises.

One example would be a post by TPW today here https://www.pegym.com/forums/gym/677...tml#post782963

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

You gotta be able to LAUGH at yourself. If someone takes "pokes" at you, you gotta play along with stuff like that. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that if you are so friggin' up tight and critical of yourself, life is gonna be softer, more fun, more forgiving, less critical.......you name it. I laugh at myself all the time.....BUT.....with respect. In other words I know I'm not truly whatever I'm laughing about.

On another note,,,,right now I'm way overweight........I'm fat and there I friggin' said it. It's never never never stopped people from liking me or loving and Fu**ing me. It has made me self conscious at times,,,may times,,,,,,,,Weight is something I've fought with since I was in my twenties. I've overcome it from 24 to 45 by becoming VERY athletic......was a long distance runner.........and a worker outer! Leg injury within the last 10 years screwed me up,,,,and then losing my business and changing my life to Florida. It's like I'm having the hardest time getting back on the horse,,,,,but I'll never give up. You gotta kill me for that.

I'm sure when I get back to 200lbs.....and I'm making a shitload of $$$......and my gal and I and the little one are perfectly happy,,,,,,,,,I'll find something that is worthy/unworthy of bitching about. That's life!

[blackscale Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close blackscale]

I personally am full of self hate but I try and stay positive where I can, this often gets tough and I fall back into negativity easily. It's been like that for as long as I remember, anxiety is always an issue too. But I guess you gotta think that there's always people out there worse than you; people born with birth defects that cause daily life to be a challenge, people suffering from severe mental or physical disorders, those in poverty or in a country where you fear your life everyday.

I try look at what I have, what I'm appreciative for, it sometimes helps even a little.

[Steneo Senior MemberPEGym Hero Member of the Month Dec 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close Steneo]

Anybody else have any thoughts?

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

I don't know if it's helpful or not, but I have some thoughts on negativity vs. positivity.

The power of positivity is greatly underestimated. We see it many times. Just by believing something to be true, envisioning the way you want it to be and end up, greatly increases the chances of it coming to reality. This works in bodybuilding, your career path, and even here, doing PE. If you keep a positive end result in mind, it has an amazing effect to give you the will to push through, the focus to block out obstacles, and encourage the change you want.

Even if you don't fully achieve the final result you were hoping for, seeing the world through "rosy" glasses will lighten the burden of the negativity that will eventually cross your path.

I think I said it in another thread a while ago. Positivity is a choice, and all about perspective. Change your perspective, and you change your habits. Change your habits, and you change the outcome. Just have to find the positive, no matter how deep you have to dig. It's there, somewhere.

Now, I'm not saying blind yourself to the truth. Just choose to focus on the good more than the bad. It may not be easy, but just like most things, with a little practice, it becomes easier each time. Before you know it, it becomes less of a conscious act, and more of a habit.

Like I said, just my thoughts, could be applied to many things.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

People have difficulties looking at things differently than they have. When I talk about change in other threads, this is most often what I'm talking about - perspective, belief. I'm sure you've all seen me rant about beliefs in the past. Negative thoughts and self-blaming are absolutely part of the belief system you take on.

People have a hard time changing, and for good reason. A lot of the people on here are in their thirties and older. That means they went through most of their life with a certain mindset. They may have the woman, the car, the nice job ... but when it comes to their intimate life, suddenly these massive holes in their belief system reveals problems.
Changing those beliefs systems means they need to change the way they've seen things - the things that have brought them to this point. So, it's no easy task. However, if you take on the right belief system, you can increase your happiness to no end.

Positivity ... is like the football player who has the ball and is running towards the end-zone. He's just one guy, taking on a team of massive, armoured players who want just one thing: to take him down. So what's he focus on? Does he think "oh shit i'm gonna get creamed!" Of course not. He keeps his eye on the prize - the end zone. Whether or not he gets tackled doesn't matter, because every step he takes towards that goal is a step in the right direction.
He also has the ability to trust his team mates, trust in his training, trust in his self. The guy stays positive.

Whether it's with relationships, your dick, your finances or whatever - it's critical to our long-term sustainable success and happiness that we keep this frame of mind. Even if you fall, you get back up and try again. That's all you can do. Along the way you'll learn different things to make sure you don't fall in that place again. That's why learning is so important.
Failure and success are intrinsically connected. You can't have one without the other, so learn to look at failure as a form of success. Even Thomas Edison failed ten thousand times when he went to invent the lightbulb. Ask him and he'll say that he invented 10 thousand ways for a light bulb that doesn't work!

It's all perspective. Keeping the right one will get you to where you want to be faster and with more joy.

[bballer123 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bballer123]

I used to feel this way a few year ago when all i would do is smoke pot/ ciggerettes , drink and no get any exercise. Felt LIKE SHIT , now I lift weights and play basketball everyday and I feel fckin awesome!

People forget we are ANIMALS. If you ever had a dog ,you know you g2 walk it everyday not only for it to shit but for it to be healthy and happy . Same shit for us , we were meant to do manual labor for hours a day . The way we used to hunt animals is, we would chase a large animal for TENS of MILES til it tired and we would kill it . So you in the office sitting by the keyboard , munching on donuts all day and wonder why you fcking depressed? Go run , jump , play a sport for a few hours and i guarantee you won't be depressed

[AverageAndAhalf Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close AverageAndAhalf]

I used to feel this way a few year ago when all i would do is smoke pot/ ciggerettes , drink and no get any exercise. Felt LIKE SHIT , now I lift weights and play basketball everyday and I feel fckin awesome!

People forget we are ANIMALS. If you ever had a dog ,you know you g2 walk it everyday not only for it to shit but for it to be healthy and happy . Same shit for us , we were meant to do manual labor for hours a day . The way we used to hunt animals is, we would chase a large animal for TENS of MILES til it tired and we would kill it . So you in the office sitting by the keyboard , munching on donuts all day and wonder why you fcking depressed? Go run , jump , play a sport for a few hours and i guarantee you won't be depressed

Great post!! I can relate to this..

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hiya Steneo,

I have a question. What positive purpose is served by negative self-talk and self-blaming?

Consider for a moment that everything we do – our behaviours, our actions - invariably has a positive intention. Our actions and behaviours are always towards obtaining a favourable outcome whether or not we are aware of it.

This means that we all have a reason for whatever we do. We are always aiming to achieve something. We might think of our own behaviour or action as negative but it always has a positive intention. By uncovering those positive intentions, we can then seek alternative thoughts, actions and behaviours that are less harmful but will still enable us to achieve that which we seek.

We need to remember that whether an action is good or bad, our behaviour always has a positive intention. So to eliminate those negative thoughts, behaviours or actions, we need to replace them with something more positive while still achieving the same positive intention.

When we can achieve positively that which we are attempting to accomplish negatively; those negative thoughts, actions or behaviours - no longer serving any positive purpose or intention - will simply fade away.

[the Masquerade Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the Masquerade]

I used to feel this way a few year ago when all i would do is smoke pot/ ciggerettes , drink and no get any exercise. Felt LIKE SHIT , now I lift weights and play basketball everyday and I feel fckin awesome!

Too much truth here. I lived abroad before, and while I had all my friends for a great time, physically I could tell I was deteriorating. Much more lethargic and I could tell that my erections were getting much weaker over time. I recently moved back to the US and my parents were joining a gym and added me on (hey, it's free for me!). I haven't gone as much as I probably should, but I feel much much better as a result of going. More energy to do things, more excited, and erections are much better just on that alone. I always feel like doing MORE after playing a game of racquetball with my dad than I do while just staying at home. And I actually learn better if I've exercised that day.

The only downside is I simply don't know anybody here, so hanging out with your parents isn't particularly uplifting.

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

I just read this the other day.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/cherylsn...gs-they-avoid/

[Steneo Senior MemberPEGym Hero Member of the Month Dec 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close Steneo]

Thanks everybody, it's quite a nice collection of awesome advice.