Help in Motivating Overweight Husband

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey Gang,

I received the following email from one of my blog readers asking for my advice. Although I have offered her suggestions, I think she would benefit greatly from a man's point of view on this rather touchy subject. I have encouraged her to join the forum and have sent her the link to this discussion. Whether she joins or simply reads what is written, I know she will appreciate your insight and honesty. Here is her dilemma in her own words...

I love my husband dearly and we have been together for over a decade and working on our second. Throughout our years we have gotten comfortable and gained weight, but after baby number 2, I became very depressed and so started working out at the gym. I lost the weight and began to feel much better about myself, however, my husband has not done anything about his weight and it is has really started to concern me. His belly hangs over his waistline. It's not all about vanity; I am worried about his health based on his age and his own parents’ health since they are also both overweight. I have tried talking with him about it but to no avail. Sadly, it is now affecting our sex life and I do not know to do. I love my husband very much and want to help him so how can I motivate him to take better care of himself?

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

First, I admire your reader's will power, positivity and persistence in pursuing improvement for herself and her husband's as well as her concern about his health and their sex life!

In my opinion, exercising together could be a good motivation, start with something simple, after all, if he is just beginning, he would need to go slow.

Lets say, something like a walk in the park/around the block, and make it regular, attend yoga sessions together, biking, jogging, etc, make it a couple's activity and move on from there.


Making it interesting at first then encourage consistency.


She knows her husband more than anyone, so what spikes his interest? If he likes details then talk about the science of exercises and their benefits, if he bores quickly, try to make it FUN!

This could be a great bonding experience too.


Nutrition can also be a good point of interest, healthy food can taste great and a starting point to go exercising.

Good luck to them and all couples seeking a better life together!

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Stop feeding him! No I'm not kidding!

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Yeah, good for her for reaching out on not only his best interest, but their relationship.

I'd say look at eating habits too. Frequency and content. Try and discourage any eating out, late night snacking, heavy junk food...that sort of stuff. Encourage eating larger meals early on, and tapering it later. Or, several smaller meals throughout the day. Diet is half the battle.

Also, I agree with MrB8. Appeal to interests, and hang-ups.

If he's embarrassed about going to the gym, do something at home. Likes TV...put a treadmill near one. Watch and walk. Take walks, park furthest away from doors when shopping, walk around car shows or events...all little things that add up.

If exercise by itself is not fun or enjoyable right now, there has to be something added that makes it that way, until he sees and feels the benefit, and that becomes the driving force.

How about sex as a motivator? Win-win for both, eh?

[longerlastingnoob Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close longerlastingnoob]

Agree with b8. Ask him to join in in her training/ workouts. She doesn't have to mention anything about the weight, she could say she's bored doing it alone, wants someone to enjoy it with, wants more time with him. Subtle kick in the a**.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Don't buy junk; buy healthy. He brings home cookies; throw them out. Beer? Nope way to many calories. Treat him as you would a child and when he gets mad explain that when he stops eating like a child then you will treat him like an adult.

I also suggest flirting with men in good shape and telling him that you're looking to the future because if he keeps eating that way he will be gone, and soon!

[SW_CO Member Find all posts View Profile Close SW_CO]

This can be a rather complex situation and has no easy answer.

Some things to consider
The fact she's lost weight while he hasn't may be affecting his attitude towards himself, making him feel insecure, In this case he will resent and resist any suggestions from her as it reinforces his sliding self image.

Men are wired differently and sometimes need someone they consider an "expert" to tell them the same thing before they'll take action. One of the better points brought up in Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It doesn't need to be a real expert like a doctor, but someone he would look at as one like a healthy friend. Wives are not looked at as an "expert" unless her job revolves around it. She should see if a friend could encourage him to train with him.

Find something he would like to do that requires being in shape and encourage him to do it. I enjoy elk hunting and you have to be in good shape to pack 200-300 lbs of meat, 50lbs at a time as much as 2 miles at 8,000 to 9,000 feet in the Rockies. Staying in that kind of shape is a year round endeavour. But it keeps me motivated to exercise.

Stress can be a huge factor in being unwilling to exercise. If his libido is decreasing, it could be either the weight gain or increasing stress levels. She needs to find out which one it is. Exercise will help with the stress, but lIt's a catch 22. The stress often makes someone feel too tired and if they don't have a history of physical activity they often refuse to believe exercise will increase their energy, So she should start working to find out stresses he is dealing with outside the home. Given most mens propensity to not to talk in depth about problems this has to be done without coming across as pushy.

The big thing is to find the barriers keeping him from wanting to get in shape and the triggers that will activate the desire to exercise. The only lasting change will occur when he gets to a point where he finds a reason to keep himself motivated.

Last point, may want to have his testosterone levels tested, they may be dropping lower than normal for his age.

[longerlastingnoob Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close longerlastingnoob]

I also suggest flirting with men in good shape and telling him that you're looking to the future because if he keeps eating that way he will be gone, and soon!

Thats cold.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Sometimes a clod dose of reality helps. I know folks who have eaten themselves to death and the problems it caused the family were far colder than that.

[sexmaster Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sexmaster]

Well, not the easiest one, changing oneself is tough, even if you want to change...
Congratulations that you made the change

The biggest thing is diet, everything else is only a support for loosing weight.
I think there are basically two big things, one is enough if executed well:

1. You convince him to do it on his own.
There are several advantages of being fit. You probably have to try many angles till you find sth. that actually motivates him to take action (most likely sth about ego, manliness , mortality rate(you can look up for statistics etc. ) You have to market the idea of being fit (sex should be already a big motivation). But very important to encourage him that it is possible etc. Look for ppl who managed to get success.


2. You do it for him.
Most likely you are the one doing the shopping and cooking. Cut the carbohydrates (really just no pasta anymore), sweets, and soda drinks. Habits are deeply planted in our lives, so most likely takes time to (gradually) reach it, especially without #1. But chances are if you are not going to the old food for him, he won't do it for himself, so ends up eating your healthy food, which will give him results regardless of what he wants. Healthy foods can also be very tasty, it just may need some time till you figure out the best recipes and also takes time still he enjoys the healthy foods (eg. I don't eat sugar anymore, and ate one cookie two months ago and found it super sweet, and never want to try it again. I enjoy fruits way more than other ppl hehe)

As already mentioned, sport, outdoor activities together are a great way to get up from the couch. Just small steps at first as MrB8 wrote, then it can become a habit. So you plan for both of you things that he likes and good for his health.

As I realized, most men bagatelize health issues, and also don't believe that you take it seriously, even though you told him a couple of times. I think it would be a good idea to show him this topic, so he can get it, how important it is for you, and how much you love him and care about him. If he understands your worries, he can do it just for you, without him really wanting to drop weight.

I am also interested in feedback, as I know there are many women in similar situations. Also give us more input so we can help better.

[bigborer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bigborer]

After 7+ years going on and off the gym I can tell you one thing- if the motivation isn't coming from within, you won't do shit.

So the way for that woman to perhaps "motivate" that man would be to somehow indirectly make him frustrated with himself, but in a way that won't backfire to her, and at a right amount - too much and it will turn to resent and too little and it will have no effect. And of course, after that supporting him 100% with his fitness goals. How to actually do that step by step is impossible to tell without knowing both people and the full story.
Also to be taken into account is the fact that he's already (at least partly) given up on himself for reasons we'd haven no way of guessing what they are, so probably there are more crucial issues to be addressed first than the belly hanging over the waistline.



Short answer- there is no clear answer that can be given on a forum.

I also suggest flirting with men in good shape and telling him that you're looking to the future because if he keeps eating that way he will be gone, and soon!

LOL and most likely next stop for him is the pub/liquor store/fast food restaurant, getting even fatter and more depressed.

[watersnake Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close watersnake]

Switch to lite beer and diet soda.

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

Having lost 30 lbs in the last year, just four pounds from being normal, than overweight, was considered obese. Since I am in love with my obese wife I really have no advise other than I am lucky she is very healthy otherwise. Great blood pressure and cholesterol, Makes me jealous I cut out lunch. My cardiologist asked how I lost the weight. I told him "I'm having sex for lunch"! Keep him busy during lunch, sex or food? Sex wins every time. Good luck.

[burtybasset Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close burtybasset]

I'd like to congratulate your reader on doing something about her weight, I have all the respect in the world for someone who is overweight and getting out there and doing something about it!

Maybe her husbands trouble is a combination of motivation and embarrassment, with motivation you tend to get it after you have done the thing you don't want to do and the couch is closer than the gym. Maybe set fire to the couch and cut the plug off your T.V.? Just kidding, getting out there can be embarrassing, but this can be true for skinny people too.

At first you might have to be the bad guy (girl)/Drill Sargent in order to get him to do something about it, reward his efforts and offer him compliments and encouragement when he gets off his butt would be my suggestion. Start small like taking walks together as the guys suggest above, maybe have a secret plan to gradually increase the distance of your walks together.

Also my second suggestion as some of the guys above have suggested is diet, veggies, greens, fruit and salad, I believe you can eat as much of this as you want, fill up on it, after a while of eating healthy your body will start to crave proper nutrition and not empty calories. Maybe initially get rid of most of the junk food, but just use a select few certain treats as a reward for making an effort.

It can be hard to eat healthy with so many convenience foods about, so have a plan, plan healthy meals for five/six nights a week, but throw in a reward night where you eat what you want, quitting old habits cold turkey can be immensely difficult. I think when he starts feeling healthier and begins eating healthier the reward treats and days will naturally disappear as you just won't desire to eat unhealthy.

Start getting him drinking lots of water too, it can be surprisingly easy to mix feelings of dehydration with hunger and will help keep feelings of hunger at bay.

Something else to consider I posted a video in the interesting video's section, about a doctor who came up with a diet where for two days a week he fasts, consuming no more than 600 calories for a man, 500 for a woman two days a week and the rest of the week he said he could eat what he wanted and still lose weight. Doctors should be consulted before beginning such diets, but here is a link that might be worth considering.

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rc...lGKkzXtRj3WoHQ

If your reading this mystery lady, congratulations on your weight loss and trying to motivate your husband!

[havenots Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close havenots]

Hey Gang,

I received the following email from one of my blog readers asking for my advice. Although I have offered her suggestions, I think she would benefit greatly from a man's point of view on this rather touchy subject. I have encouraged her to join the forum and have sent her the link to this discussion. Whether she joins or simply reads what is written, I know she will appreciate your insight and honesty. Here is her dilemma in her own words...

I love my husband dearly and we have been together for over a decade and working on our second. Throughout our years we have gotten comfortable and gained weight, but after baby number 2, I became very depressed and so started working out at the gym. I lost the weight and began to feel much better about myself, however, my husband has not done anything about his weight and it is has really started to concern me. His belly hangs over his waistline. It's not all about vanity; I am worried about his health based on his age and his own parents’ health since they are also both overweight. I have tried talking with him about it but to no avail. Sadly, it is now affecting our sex life and I do not know to do. I love my husband very much and want to help him so how can I motivate him to take better care of himself?

Practical advice:

I still remember as a teenager I never gained weight no matter what I ate and I use to tease my friends at how they would gain weight even if they ate just a little fatty food. I use to eat so much crap it was crazy and then it just started happening and I could not contril it. The odd thing is that after a decade of eating fatty foods I wasn't as fat as I should have been but I my heart(I'M IN MY EARLY 20s!!!) was feeling it.
After that I tried a HIIT exercise routine that busted my knee. Busting your knee when you are so young isn't funny at all especially when you love sprinting and running.

My advice is that like PE, getting healthy is a marathon and so I suggest what I tried and worked very well for me and my cousin.

Routine to build habit : In the morning, on an empty stomach, either on a treadmill or outside walk for as long as possible and note down that time. Do this on alternate days and try to break your previous record. Accept the fact that you may not see any results for the next two months but at the very least it will be that first small step and it will get you going.

Pick it up : Next month pick this up to everyday and target that magical one hour a day.

Advanced routines : Don't rush. Keep it simple and you'll be there in no time.
Can't force that guy out of his comfort zone so just start like a snail and finish like a leopard.

Soon he'll be jogging and a runner's hit is as addictive as anything out there.

My cousin, who was overweight and has type 2 diabetes, is up to her 6th month now and only after the 4th month did she start seeing results and this is why most people go for the full Monty and fall off the wagon. Cousin went from being a hateful, always irritated bitch(I apologize in advance to those offended but it's spot on) to being a positive and persistent person just after 2-2.5 months. It was obvious that people calling her fat and treating her indifferently had resulted in same thing that happens to abused people i.e. they think the world is against them and they fight back. After that change in her mentality, she called my GF, who she hated because my GF is really fit and asked about her routine and to my surprise she ended the conversation with a thank you(never happened before) and said she has to take it day by day until she reaches her level rather than skip all the necessary hard work and jump to advanced exercises.

There is a book that helped my and my cousin change our thinking and even that book I read 20 pages a day rather than all in one go, but I don't think I'm allowed to promote anything on this forum. Don't wanna get banned. The book was suggested to me by my GF who herself was always looking for quick results and quick fixes.

All he needs to know that taking it slow and easy will help him enjoy his workouts and later after 8-9 months he will get addicted but get rich quick will just spoil all the fun in his journey to a healthy self.

Laugh at all the premature ejaculations and go back home thinking I'll get her the next time. All he has to do is win more battles than he loses and that's all. It's OK to fail and laughing at it for some reason results in us analyzing our failures rather than ignore them.

Same goes for junk food.