Performance Issues in Bedroom Do Not Have to Spiral into Disappointment

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

I recently came across this article written by Chris Armstrong, a Certified Relationship Coach and thought I would share it and get your thoughts.


There isn’t a person that hasn’t had a moment when they felt like they just couldn’t get ‘it’ working. That time when a confidence or physical issue inhibited performance or durability.

When this occurs, the effects can range from temporary frustration to complete and permanent withdrawal. In most cases, the withdrawal is from males, unwilling to come to grips with the reality that these things just happen. What’s particularly devastating in this withdrawal is the subsequent self-esteem hit it puts on his partner and the utter loss of intimacy – in both the verbal and physical sense – from that point forward.
It does not need to spiral. It doesn’t even have to register. Think about the 200 other ways to say you yearn for them and they mean something to you.

Am I taking the effects a bit too far? Perhaps. I certainly know that it’s not always permanent and I understand it’s not always males that carry a performance issue too far but as with all of my articles, I am talking to the more frequent issue.
Women are emotional, psychological and physical. I hammer this point home all the time. The emotional and psychological components give way to women being more invested, more patient and, frankly, more likely to be hurt in the relationship. This is especially true if/when sex has already occurred.

• Women are drawn in on an emotional level far more often and sooner than men. The touch, the desire, the feeling of being beautiful and wanted; there’s so much more than just the actual act of sex for women. I just wish men knew this. I especially wish men knew this when they were physically frustrated or embarrassed. When performance issues abound, it is the thought and touch that counts.
• When you know you’re just not feeling it, then you need to feel them. And I mean that literally. Embrace them. Ravage them with every other part of you that, in that moment, is working or motivated.
• When you know you’re just not feeling it, then you need to verbally massage them. And I mean that literally. Talk to them while you stroke them. Remind them how much you care about them. Say things that tell them there are things to you, and to you two as a couple, that are bigger than a temporary performance issue.
• How are they supposed to feel attractive or wanted otherwise?
• Are you really going to get your confidence back by holding out and holding back in every other physical and verbal way?
• Are you considering the long term damage that can (and does) occur when this happens even once, let alone on a more frequent basis?

I know I’m sounding like a Viagra commercial and, quite honestly, I got part of my idea for writing this article from one. I then saw Michael Fassbender portray a sex addict in ‘Shame’. There was a scene in the movie where his character has a performance issue and completely shuts down. His would be companion leaves the room embarrassed and hurt and he spirals out of control. Again, I know that’s not always what happens but I know plenty of clients and friends for that matter that have fallen into the no-intimacy zone because of confidence issues that started small and escalated.

It does not need to spiral. It doesn’t even have to register. Think about the 200 other ways to say you yearn for them and they mean something to you. Think about how moot a point it would be to them if you immediately went into a massage or a roll in the shower with them.To be frank and put myself out there, I’ve certainly been in this situation, and I didn’t let it become an issue. I improvised and all was well with the world.

Let me conclude by stating that awareness, confidence, unselfishness and vulnerability are at the heart of this issue.

• You’re confident and vulnerable enough to not default to embarrassment and withdraw because you know there are other things in your quiver. Confidence in the health of your relationship comes into play when you don’t start questioning the damage that could occur by a mere temporary performance issue.
• You’re aware enough to know other things that can float your partner’s boat and you’re unselfishness enough to act on it instead of wallowing in your own sorrow.

Remember, it’s the thought and touch that counts.

source

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

A very very helpful and insightful article TPW, thank you for sharing!


It is the emotions that count, the thoughts, the touch, I wish more people think of intimacy as a whole, not just the mechanical parts of sex, I wish it was not considered a performance, but the beautiful symphony that it really is, an orchestrate of feelings, touches and emotions, like the music of life, but more concentrated and much rewarding to be with one true person who matters, and let them feel it.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Great article TPW. For me it is always important that I not put on a performance, but rather enjoy the mutual dance that we perform together. The steps of the dance are not important,b it only the fact we are moving together.

[SuperDD Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SuperDD]

I've only had one time I couldn't get it up, but rather than freak out I found it amusing since I had never had a BJ while soft I thought it would be a good opportunity, so I told her to get on it & low and behold if it didn't pop right back up.

[burtybasset Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close burtybasset]

I'm going to have to disagree with Mr Armstrong to some degree.

I have never suffered with "it not working", it is certainly possible that it may well happen at some point. I have engaged in sex when my mind and spirit aren't really into it, but the wang has accommodated a determined lady once or twice.

If I had suffered with this though, I think it is a little unfair of this guy to attempt to tell guys they are being selfish by not considering her, as the lady is all most guys consider I believe. His assessment of guys being unemotional is inaccurate also! Maybe in his case he is a bit of a robot, but I can tell you many guys are just as emotional as women, and in some cases (mine I believe) more so!

I think in that moment when I was feeling broken, I would need my partner to comfort me physically and emotionally, as this is exactly what I would do were she hurt!

Vulnerability isn't synonymous with confidence, so I don't particularly like his idea about "not default to embarrassment" either. That is kind of like saying to me "don't get hurt when I kick you in the nuts" - embarrassment is an automatic emotion, we don't have much control over it. I'm sure you can become conditioned to it with time, but conditioning yourself to not be emotional seems counter-intuitive when the goal is to be emotional with someone.

It is possible I believe to achieve what this guys suggests though in time, but I don't think this would happen overnight and it would require me to feel the lady I was with valued my feelings and not just expected I please her.

I believe psychological ED could be overcome in such a situation, if the pressure is off the guy to perform, because the lady cares about you and your feelings no matter what and shows you, there is no pressure to perform and therefore no self fulfilling prophecy. Even in the event of mechanical ED, I would give the same advice, their would be some way around the issue and for such women guys will always put themselves last!

Since I like spending time on foreplay, my wife always comes first anyway, the more excited she gets, the hornier I get and my organ seems to just function as a matter of course. I feel she could care less about the penetration aspect after she has gone all cross eyed a few times. And since I can please myself anytime, I try to make our time together all about her, I think if everyone (both men and women) had the attitude of putting their partner first and just be really into it, earth shaking sex would occur naturally.

P.S. If anyone noticed that earthquake in the midlands England last night, I'm very sorry, send me the bill for anything broken!

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Hmm well he says this .
Quote

I know I’m sounding like a Viagra commercial and, quite honestly, I got part of my idea for writing this article from one
Unquote
The rest seems to have come from Cleo mag.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

That article makes a whole lot of assumptions about the woman involved. Most of them probably apply only to a very secure, very well established, long term relationship.

Two things that come to mind immediately are:

1) In new relationships, there are lots of things I could do to please a woman that are neither safe, nor desirable in many cases.

2) I know plenty of girls who would not see this as a moment that happens to everyone. They'd take it as a self-esteem-shattering event, and the guy involved would need to have advanced training in God only knows what kind of therapy to convince them it wasn't because they are not attractive.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

On this site, where we get so very many guys who come to us broken ,not because of a performance issue, but the callous , insensitive and sometimes sadistic way a woman has acted, we get this guy preaching at us !
The more certified sexperts I see the less I am impressed .

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

While there were a few tidbits worth considering although not for the reasons he stated, I felt that the majority of the article and especially the author's recommendations did not adequately reflect or address the reality of today's sexual climate between most men and women.

I think it should also be noted that this article first appeared on a website for divorced mothers.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

I think it should also be noted that this article first appeared on a website for divorced mothers.

Wow. That changes my perception of this article completely. It's not off base. It's deliberately written for a specific audience that wants to hear this message. The writer is playing to the emotions of people already in a bad state. So basically, he's intentionally part of the problem.

[kickinthemebs Senior Member Member of the Month Feb 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close kickinthemebs]

So so much wrong with this article. Burty portrayed most of them. If I was on my computer I would point out more.

[Park Lib Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Park Lib]

I agree with Burty. If someone is feeling hurt by whatever reason then it's up to the other person to console them and to be there to confide in. That's the whole point of being in relationship, to enjoy the ups and work through the downs together.