Should she move in

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

So here goes, I've been dating my girl for 8 months. We only see each other ont the weekend. She stays over Saturday and Sunday night. We love each other. Here is the catch. She still lives with her ex. First of all, I'm 100% cool with it. She has 2 big dogs, doesn't make very much money, so living in an apartment isn't the best idea. She lives with him, on the other side of the house. But, she doesn't have to pay rent, so it makes financial sense. She is a vet tech and doesn't make much money. They have 1 acre for her dogs. I completely, 100% trust her, and have zero worries about the ex. Never met him, he doesn't even know about me. Although I wonder what he thinks when she goes away every weekend. Anyway, he asked her to move out. No timeline, but said he can't move on with an ex living with him. Hard to bring a girl home and your ex is in the house.

So, before he asked her to leave, her and I had a random conversation. She said she wouldn't move in with a guy unless she had a ring. So I have been reluctant to bring it up. I get her point. She spent 10 years with one guy, and three years with the last. However, I want to make sure we can live together before I get married. She started looking for houses the last month. But, she doesn't make shit, and I don't think she could afford the $1200/month minimum with utilities.

This was my plan. I tell her I get her point, but if the house doesn't work out, here is my plan. She pays $150/week. $100 goes to rent and utilities, that isn't shit. $25 goes to her savings, in case we break up, she has money to use to move out. The other $25 goes to saving for a vacation.

So, do I even ask her. I figured I could bring it up. Tell her, I want to give it a go, see if we work out. After a year, we either get married, or go our separate ways. But I can't marry someone if I don't know if we can live together. We've had some issue, nothing major. But after we discussed them, they have been resolved. She has really put in effort to change when I wasn't happy about things. And I've done the same.

So what are your opinions? Do I bring it up? Or wait for her home buying to fail and she asks me. Which she might not. I do want to live with her. I love her. But right now I only see her on the weekend, so things are peachy. My last relationship was a weekend relationship that was peachy. We got engaged, move in, then broke up two months later. My fault, but I got annoyed living with her. I don't want to happen again.

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

My thinking is just let her get her (life in order/act together/housing situation w/2 big dogs) taken care of.
It just looks a bit to uncertain, given you would be #3.
If you have hidden in your thinking, "I could be her hero " STOP THAT, ego can get you in trouble.

Those are my thoughts.

[akaTrex Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close akaTrex]

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My 2 Cents . . .

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

If you revealed ALL in your post mizzle, FORGETABOUTIT! Too much "junk" in THIS arrangement, IMO. Learn from your past, and don't make the same mistakes all over again.

[ScarletSkull Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ScarletSkull]

So personally I'm really big on women being able to stand on their own two feet. If she's not making enough to live on with her current career choice, is she actively working towards a solution? Or are you her solution?

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

So personally I'm really big on women being able to stand on their own two feet. If she's not making enough to live on with her current career choice, is she actively working towards a solution? Or are you her solution?

Well thats kind of why Im asking. She wants to live on her own. She can get an apartment if necessary. But buying her own house, I don't think she can afford it. I'm not trying to be a saviour, I'm thinking from a financial perspective. If she buys a house, thats cool, but in a year from now, we both houses. Then we decide to get married. Then someone will move in with the other and have to sell a house. Huge pain in the ass.

My hope was living together would be a trial run. If it works for a year, we discuss gettimg married and we could buy a huge house together. If it doesn't work, we go our separate ways and we're in the same position as we are now.

For me, I want to get the living together part over to see if it works. Its like I meet a girl online. I don't want to spend weeks talking before we meet. I want to meet and get it over to see if we have chemistry instead wasting time talking only to find Im not attracted to her. Same tyep of thing here. I want to see if living together will work. I don't want to waste another year of her living on her own, only then to move in together. Because I will not marry someone I haven't lived with. But she wants a ring before moving in with another guy. I feel like we can compromise.

I hope Im explaining what my thoughts are. Im 37, I want to know if this relationship will work in the long term. She is thinking about me long term also, its just this living situation that I don't know how to work out. I make plenty of money so Im not concerned she doesn't, but either way she would contribute.

If you still think Im being stupid or irrational, you can tell me. But I think Im a pretty logical person. Ive only lived with two other girls before, and I want to make sure we can do it without killing each other. If not, I need to move on. I really want to have kids and Om getting too old to waste time, but I also don't want to rush this.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

"If you really want to find out about someone, live with them" - I've been saying that since college where time after time, I roomed with someone I thought was a good friend, only to find out how wrong I was. In your case, from a financial situation, the cheapest for the both of you is for her to move it. It is also the easiest to break should things not go well. If she gets an apartment, she is obligated to stay at least a year on a lease. If she buys a home, that is even more difficult to walk away from. And if she can barely afford a house, she will crush her credit worthiness if she falls on hard times. Her living paycheck to paycheck is one repair away from financial ruin (roof leak, Heating and Air system goes bad, refrigerator craps out, etc). However, if she moves in with you, things can be terminated right away, as in tomorrow if you have problems. So, as a couple, living with you makes sense financially. Now, she could move into your house and have her own room so she could have her own space. A neutral "corner" to go if there is an argument. I lived several years with my wife before we got married, but were engaged at the time and did it for financial reasons.

[Hiplainsdrifter Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Hiplainsdrifter]

So here goes, I've been dating my girl for 8 months. We only see each other ont the weekend. She stays over Saturday and Sunday night. We love each other. Here is the catch. She still lives with her ex. First of all, I'm 100% cool with it. She has 2 big dogs, doesn't make very much money, so living in an apartment isn't the best idea. She lives with him, on the other side of the house. But, she doesn't have to pay rent, so it makes financial sense. She is a vet tech and doesn't make much money. They have 1 acre for her dogs. I completely, 100% trust her, and have zero worries about the ex. Never met him, he doesn't even know about me. Although I wonder what he thinks when she goes away every weekend. Anyway, he asked her to move out. No timeline, but said he can't move on with an ex living with him. Hard to bring a girl home and your ex is in the house.

So, before he asked her to leave, her and I had a random conversation. She said she wouldn't move in with a guy unless she had a ring. So I have been reluctant to bring it up. I get her point. She spent 10 years with one guy, and three years with the last. However, I want to make sure we can live together before I get married. She started looking for houses the last month. But, she doesn't make shit, and I don't think she could afford the $1200/month minimum with utilities.

This was my plan. I tell her I get her point, but if the house doesn't work out, here is my plan. She pays $150/week. $100 goes to rent and utilities, that isn't shit. $25 goes to her savings, in case we break up, she has money to use to move out. The other $25 goes to saving for a vacation.

So, do I even ask her. I figured I could bring it up. Tell her, I want to give it a go, see if we work out. After a year, we either get married, or go our separate ways. But I can't marry someone if I don't know if we can live together. We've had some issue, nothing major. But after we discussed them, they have been resolved. She has really put in effort to change when I wasn't happy about things. And I've done the same.

So what are your opinions? Do I bring it up? Or wait for her home buying to fail and she asks me. Which she might not. I do want to live with her. I love her. But right now I only see her on the weekend, so things are peachy. My last relationship was a weekend relationship that was peachy. We got engaged, move in, then broke up two months later. My fault, but I got annoyed living with her. I don't want to happen again.

I was in a similar situation. But I was the one who moved in. We had a LOT of issues at first. That was 8 months ago. We are now engaged. That was a month after I moved in. We still have issues, but I love her. I'm almost sorry I moved in before giving her the ring. I'm not the easiest person to live with.

I would definitely ask her. You love her. Be patient and don't sweat the small stuff. I don't how you handled her living with the ex. I can't even stand it when my GF stops at the ex's to pick up the kids. He can't drive (dwi's) and she was offering to drive him everywhere. I made it clear.... that shit stops now. And she stopped (:

[RootingFor8by6 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RootingFor8by6]

Bro just reading this sounds really dumb, You dont date a girl or fall in love with a girl whos living with her EX basically, AND he dont even know about you?! You got to be kidding

[Addiction Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Addiction]

Your best option is to lay out all the options. Plant the bug in her ear for her moving in, but also let her know there are many other options. There is one thing for certain though, you MUST be upfront about not putting a ring on it before living together. Well, that, or be flexible with her rule of putting a ring on it to have her move in. Your call there.

And now, here is me planting a bug in your ear. If she does end up buying her own house, that would make the most financial sense I would think. If you both have houses, rent out one of them, sell in 20 years for big bucks without having put much money into it as the rent can cover a lot of the costs. If she lives in it for a year or so, no capital gains taxes, CHA CHING.

[jackjohnson Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jackjohnson]

Have her move in and do a trial run like you alluded to. This way you know if she is the one. Better to find out now before you get engaged. Things might work out great but if not at least you know. Follow your gut.

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

Bro just reading this sounds really dumb, You dont date a girl or fall in love with a girl whos living with her EX basically, AND he dont even know about you?! You got to be kidding

I have no worries about her ex. Literally not a single one. They are just basically roomates.

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

I have no worries about her ex. Literally not a single one. They are just basically roomates.

This is what I was thinking. I want to know sooner than later if this will work. It just makes me halt when she says she won't move in with someone without a ring. But I won't marry someone without living together first. Maybe its a deal breaker, who knows.

My plan is this. I tell her we live together for 1 year. If we still love each other, on the same page financially, and the sex is still good, then Ill ask her to marry me. We plan the wedding for a year out, gives us two years living together. Then we can loom for a big ass house together. I keep my house as a rental, that goes in the prenup.

Im think Im going to at least bring this plan up as an option. If she really really wants her own house then I can accept that. But if it falls through, we have another plan.

[ScarletSkull Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ScarletSkull]

Well I have to say it does sound like you've thought it out pretty well. I don't think your plan is a bad one, not at all. I'm a bit jaded about marriage personally but I think as long as you go into the whole living together thing with your eyes wide open you should be fine.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

So personally I'm really big on women being able to stand on their own two feet. If she's not making enough to live on with her current career choice, is she actively working towards a solution? Or are you her solution?

I still like this post of yours ss.