Like attracts Like AKA: I suck at dating

[Piikm Member Find all posts View Profile Close Piikm]

I'm a retard

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Why are you going after women solely for looks? Every one of your dates you have described her looks and how beautiful you think she is, how undeserving you must be to be with her, and why you have to date her. Not once did you describe her interests, any deep and meaningful conversations you had, dates not leading up to sex or physical intimacy, or any meaningful relationship.

You want to know why it's not working out for you, ask yourself what you're trying to get out of these encounters. Are you looking for a romantic relationship with a woman you have a lot in common with, or just to bang some pretty young woman. If it's the latter, there's no shame in wanting to have sex but you have to have boundaries. Your friends are trying to tell you in their own way to not seem so needy, that's another way of telling you to strengthen your boundaries.

You have to have your head on straight before you start dating or you're going to end up with a toxic relationship. And you saw that for yourself multiple times. You can't expect to have every woman you meet online be perfect, after all they're online for a reason. And the married woman looking for an exit affair, you can't tell me you didn't expect her to be wonderfully sane. You got smoothest uphill ride on a terrifying roller coaster with that one. The roller coaster is what they call mental instability during the grieving period of the divorce process.

I have to wonder if you're really ready to start over with a romantic relationship, or if you're dating for validation and out of loneliness. It sounds to me like these choices are decisions made from the ego and not of the heart.

[Piikm Member Find all posts View Profile Close Piikm]

Kmkm

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

This is an automated message - "you have exceeded the word limit for posting here on the Relationship Forum"...

Just kidding, but I feel I need a vacation after reading that - wow!

First off, you need to think of your kid and provide a loving environment for him/her. That is the main focus. How this gal fits into that should also be a deciding factor. Are they good together, is this new girl a good substitute in your kids eyes for the mother they lost. Will it fill that void in such a young and impressionable person?

Next look at yourself in the mirror. Not from the stand point of "I can do better", that is rather self centered. But rather from the perspective of "can I do better in my relationship with her". If you re-focus and make her the center instead of yourself, you derive a whole different meaning to the relationship, it actually becomes a relationship. Like begets Like -meaning, if you take care of her, and she is caring, then the love flows back to you filling that needy portion of your personality. Forget about others, she will have friends just like you will have other friends. You can not obsess over someone following her on social media or texting her. If it bothers you, tell her. However, in a solid relationship you should not have to worry about others, be them friends or acquaintances. Trust is the number one thing you MUST possess to have a strong lasting relationship. If she has not crossed the line or given you a reason to be jealous, then she deserves the level of trust she has earned.

You also need to stop as others have mentioned, putting labels on people and scoring them on a scale of 1 to 10. Here is a news flash, everyone ages, everyone's looks change as you get old. I would rather spend my time with someone I care about emotionally that one that looked good but I had no compatibility with. So erase the model from you mind, you two were complete opposites. Life doesn't need that much drama. I prefer stable, loving and attentive to each other.

I think she is done with the bar scene. She is comfortable with you and enjoys the peaceful life with less drama. You need to be able to communicate with her, compliment her, have grown up discussions without a cloud of doubt handing over your head that says what if, if only, I could have, or I should have. Focus on one, she sounds happy with you when your not being a bit of an ass. Her friends approve of you which is a great plus in my book. The guy friends will drop like flies once you decide to make a commitment and take this girl off the market. It's your move, do what you know is right. You really don't need advice help from the internet. You just need to acknowledge what you already have and put the past aside.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Something a out that last girl, I can't quite put my finger on it... There's a lot of red flags. The love at first sight relationship that is happening way too quick, the boundary issues, her toxic friend (talk about like seeking like and the company you keep), the guy bestie you have that sneaking suspicion about, another boundary issue of hers, and her words sweet words that almost too good to be true with no big action to back them up, the gaslighting, the mind blowing sex and relationship red flags..... I'm calling it like I see it, this is another toxic relationship.

If you don't document these troubled feelings and red flags your seeing you're going to overlook a lot of problems until it's too late. Keep a journal and read these entries after the high from endorphins and sex wears off, after the sex has cooled off and you're left wondering just who you're with.

Why am I to say this, just somebody who has been though enough of the to know trouble when I see it. It's almost like watching a bad horror movie with a predictable plot and cliche lines. Don't go there alone, lol. Fair warning: She's going to kiss or have sex with that guy you're worried about. It's coming, he's gunning for her, and it won't be for a while but that's going to be the guy she talks to about her problems with you. And he'll fall head over heels for her like you have.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Something a out that last girl, I can't quite put my finger on it... There's a lot of red flags. The love at first sight relationship that is happening way too quick, the boundary issues, her toxic friend (talk about like seeking like and the company you keep), the guy bestie you have that sneaking suspicion about, another boundary issue of hers, and her words sweet words that almost too good to be true with no big action to back them up, the gaslighting, the mind blowing sex and relationship red flags..... I'm calling it like I see it, this is another toxic relationship.

If you don't document these troubled feelings and red flags your seeing you're going to overlook a lot of problems until it's too late. Keep a journal and read these entries after the high from endorphins and sex wears off, after the sex has cooled off and you're left wondering just who you're with.

Why am I to say this, just somebody who has been though enough of the to know trouble when I see it. It's almost like watching a bad horror movie with a predictable plot and cliche lines. Don't go there alone, lol. Fair warning: She's going to kiss or have sex with that guy you're worried about. It's coming, he's gunning for her, and it won't be for a while but that's going to be the guy she talks to about her problems with you. And he'll fall head over heels for her like you have.

Well, I'm afraid my assessment is complete opposite. You are young, I have been in a 28 year relationship with my wife. At 54 I look at things a little more objectively and read people on a different level. What you see as red flags, I see as normal parts of a healthy relationship. The paranoid take on the male friends is laughable. Really, are you going to demand that she never talk to another male again? Relationships are built on trust, not suspicion. And the act of associating with others should not raise suspicions. It should foster relationships as friends and acquaintances that will help you maintain sanity in your day to day lives. Nothing better than to go to a good friends house for snacks and beverages. Worry about the relationships you DON'T know about if your paranoid about someone cheating, because they surely will not be doing it in front of your face. Again, once you commit and solidify the relationship, the other guys will drop off. Until then, they still see an open field - it is up to you to shut it down.

So, enjoy the moment, you grow older faster than you would like to admit. I blinked and 30 years past by, don't let that happen to you. I dated my wife for 8 years, that is one of my biggest regrets that we didn't get married sooner but at the time it was the right thing to do. Don't let a keeper slip through you fingers.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I'm sorry, I thought this was Piikm's thread about relationship problems. A thread where he was asking for help and perspective on his dating troubles and lack of confidence.

What about my post made you feel the need to stand up for him and make personal attack on me, based off of information shared in other threads? For a second there it sounded to me like my comments to him, about his relationship, struck a nerve with you. Is that how you took it?

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

I'm sorry, I thought this was Piikm's thread about relationship problems. A thread where he was asking for help and perspective on his dating troubles and lack of confidence.

What about my post made you feel the need to stand up for him and make personal attack on me, based off of information shared in other threads? For a second there it sounded to me like my comments to him, about his relationship, struck a nerve with you. Is that how you took it?

My apologies, TGD, if you took my last post personally, other that stating I disagreed with your last post, my comments were directed at Piikm and his original post with some reference to your assessment for his comparison. We are allowed to have differing points of views and I await further feedback from Piikm, but again, sorry you took something personally when that was not my intent. Sometimes written words can be taken to wrong way without the voice inflections behind them.

[Piikm Member Find all posts View Profile Close Piikm]

Kmkm

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

I shall from now on call you "Mini-me"

What a great read, almost like a changed man. She sounds wonderful and it gives me great joy to be at the beginning stages of what could be a long term relationship. I seriously related to everything you wrote, and after 28 years of marriage, my wife and I are exactly the same way when out and about. Not only is it fun, but reinforces the fact that she is and always will be my best friend. She makes me feel young. She also makes it effortless to want to do extra things for her because it never is one sided, she always gives back in return.

I would like to say that aside from overthinking the last couple of questions you are on the right path. Control your anger and never speak when the adrenaline is pumping. That is one of my steadfast rules that if I am angry, I will discuss only after the anger is past. I kind of put myself in time-out and just go sit at my desk. Then it will be an adult discussion, not a shouting match. I made that rule because in the heat of the moment, that is when the most hurtful things are said. I want me to speak, not my anger.

I think you read her comments correctly, she doesn't want to be hurt as she has in the past. Her second comment is one that you will reflect on in 20 years and come to appreciate what fate actually gave you. What if you got cold feet and never signed up for that dating service, what if you had logged off one day before she signed on and made her profile, basically, all the things that had to fall into place for her to be by your side - it really is remarkable when you think of it. So tell her "yes" to her questions and you are glad it happened this way.

Your son will come around eventually, nobody will ever replace his Mom. You need to assure him of that. She is not competing for the job, but wants to be a member of the family just the same. He will take it at his own pace.

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

If you're that unsure, let her go. Sounds like a waste of time. But thats for you to decide.

[dmizzle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dmizzle]

Or, you could just man up and talk to her about it. You have to communicate for a successful relationship.

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

If you're that unsure, let her go. Sounds like a waste of time. But thats for you to decide.

Hey dmizzle - thanks for trying to help. As I recall, you also asked for advise about your girl. Telling you to just leave probably would not have helped you much, would it. Its a relationship forum, not a how to leave my partner forum. Did you even read his latest responses? He seems quite pleased with the way things are going. He just needed to bounce things off someone.

[Piikm Member Find all posts View Profile Close Piikm]

Kmkm

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

shes giving me a distant vibe. Its almost always like this...if I dont come see her she kind of seems distant. My text are answered with very short "whatever" type answers. Its almost like she forgets I'm here.

She is leaving the door open my friend. Nobody is that blatant unless they care. She almost is leaving you a wide open door to walk through. She feels hurt buy past relationships, she is vulnerable. To me, she is giving you openings to step up to the plate and be the hero. Dip your toe a couple of times when she does this again. Play with it and take it to the next level with humor and desire. It's a subtle test, but she is almost winking at you to bite.

And, don't take the distant vibe to heart. She is working in unfamiliar territory and not sure how to act other than relate to how she was treated in the past. You can break that trend and show her what a real man in a real committed relationship should act like. Step up to the challenge, the end goal is way worth it.

Here is a homework assignment - Tomorrow, for no reason other than it is Monday, buy her some flowers. Just a bouquet from the super will be fine. Supplement that with some Strawberries, sour cream and brown sugar (trust me). Have the flowers on the table when she arrives. Bring out the strawberries, a dish of sour cream, and a dish of brown sugar. Take the strawberry, dip in sour cream and then dip in brown sugar. Have her taste a bite, it is pure heaven (and simple as can be). Thank me for the rest of the evening later. Bonus points for any background music played by a band called Fourplay, and candles are always a positive touch. Move this relationship forward with your actions, don't let her dwell in her past.