Thoughts on genuinely nice guys?

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

What are your thoughts on genuinely nice guys?

I'm just going to come out and say it, I'm a nice guy. I fit a lot of the criteria for a nice guy because I'm naturally caring and sweet with women, children, and animals. I'm not a push over by any means, nor am I a creepy nice guy. I can be a bit of a dick but women can tell I'm nice no matter how much I try to hide it. I can get laid pretty easily too and make no excuses for what I want, but I'm pretty much asexual in the first stages of romance which doesn't help.

I'm been wrestling with the idea that I'm too nice, because I tried to make friends with women several times recently and was burned. The only times we would talk is when they wanted attention. I had to cut one off for being shitty and disrespectful with me for no reason, and another because the semester ended and we don't really talk outside of class, so I said goodbye. I don't even feel bad about it because there's nothing to feel bad about. They were kinda crazy and messed up.

Women tell me I'm nice all the time, like they seem surprised when they say it, (probably because I don't come off as nice on the exterior) and I don't know how to take it. I don't really give women anything except for some of my time and attention when I have the energy. I'm great at motivating them and knowing just what to say and when (I make people laugh), so they come to me for that and nothing else. I only wanted their friendship but I got ignored instead.

I'm beginning to think I'm wasting too much time and attention on others who don't desert me instead of what I really want out of life, because the more I think about these female friends the less I actually like them. I seem to attract waitresses who smoke a lot of pot, with daddy issues, and exes they're not over, who like to use me for motivation. They're not all that nice or attractive, they're just needy kinda sad once I get to know them.

I don't want to be something I'm not, because I'm genuinely nice, but I also don't want to keep letting women use me. Thoughts?

[Interceptor Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Interceptor]

The term nice guy has been poisoned http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...erm=Nice%20Guy. But you seem like a good guy that's what matters. Don't change for anyone else stuff them. Maybe just be more direct with your intentions like if you want to date then say it instead of just becoming the guy friend.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

The term nice guy has been poisoned http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...erm=Nice%20Guy. But you seem like a good guy that's what matters. Don't change for anyone else stuff them. Maybe just be more direct with your intentions like if you want to date then say it instead of just becoming the guy friend.

But I don't want to date them. I just want to be a guy friend.

[freshMAKER Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close freshMAKER]

The term nice guy has been poisoned www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Nice%20Guy. But you seem like a good guy that's what matters. Don't change for anyone else stuff them. Maybe just be more direct with your intentions like if you want to date then say it instead of just becoming the guy friend.

So true . It is okay to be a nice guy , but also you need to show some dominance and aggressivness . You cant be totally gentle and soft or she will take you as a friend . Happend to me in the past a few times since then i changed myself a litlle bit .

[Chris 8" x 5" Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chris 8" x 5"]

" I seem to attract waitresses who smoke a lot of pot, with daddy issues, and exes they're not over, who like to use me for motivation. They're not all that nice or attractive, they're just needy kinda sad once I get to know them."

This.

These women sense you're a nice guy so they are drawn you because they have issues and you're nice, easy to talk to and a good listener. They are just using you. Try not to be so needy when it comes to wanting girls as friends. They sense it and it's a turn off. They all want a nice guy, but truth is many of them would still pursue assholes who don't give a shit about them. Be nice of course, but don't be a sap.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

I have been there .
What i do now is if i am puting energy into someone then I make it clear what i want . Now often this doesn't work out but then it would not have anyway and i have wasted less time . On the other hand it seems to work out more often than being too "nice" . God i hate being told i am nice that word is poison.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Depends on the environment. Most of the ladies I know are tired of being treated horribly and used. Then I come along and show them a different side of men. They want it. The trick is to be nice and a good friend with benefits without having them fall in love. But I have found the solution to that as well lol. Being a "nice guy" I tell them upfront that I am not interested in serious commitment, I'm here for you and care but I'm not exclusive. Usually because I treat them right, they are okay with that. I have a few girls right now. It's an ego boost for me when on Snapchat I see four girls messaging me at the same time lol.

[donkeehote Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close donkeehote]

Be yourself..bottom line. If you are a nice guy, be a nice guy. BUT...

Know what you want and need from friendships and relationships and ask for it when the context is right.

Be selfish with your time. That doesnt mean not being generous. It means being selective about who you share it with. Not everyone deserves your time and attention equally.

Always, always work on yourself and being your best self. This will attract like minded people.

[CrouchetyOldMan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CrouchetyOldMan]

Be the nice guy.. out of the bedroom
And what they want.. in the bedroom (as long as it doesn't go too far afield of what your comfortable with).
as with everything else - Communication is key.
I was the nice guy for 30+ years - Learned how to still be positive, but also how to talk to anyone.

[MulejuiceMcQuaid Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close MulejuiceMcQuaid]

Are you sure they aren't attracted to you and expecting you to take things further? Because nine times out of ten, they will get annoyed at men they like for not making the first move, instead of making one themselves and upsetting the normal dynamic of the situation (women being the "prize", men putting in effort to win them over, and women judging those actions to be worthy or not).

In this case, calling you a "nice guy" could be a hint that they want you to pursue them more aggressively.

[tank0909 Senior Member Member of the Month Jan. 2019 Find all posts View Profile Close tank0909]

The "nice guy" fills a void in a woman's life. What that void is differs from woman to woman based on their past and present situations/experiences, and what they want their future experiences to be (if they are thinking ahead). I think this is all typically done on the subconscious/unconscious level.

With relationships, women can be attracted to the bad boy but supplement what they're missing out on by having a nice guy in the friend zone.

With friendships, depending on the woman and her personality, she may think you're just another "nice guy" wanting to weasel your way into her pants. She may be sizing you up for a potential relationship and not thinking about a friendship. And lots of other things.

Women are bombarded by male attention on a daily basis, be it direct or indirect. They may be cautious of a guy's motive to talk to her. I'm a "nice guy" and have had all the good/bad/ugly that comes with it in regards to women. I went a couple of years without dating or even being interested in dating. I was doing some "me" time to figure some things out. I didn't care if I had a woman's attention, but I was friendly with them like they were just another dude (albeit a feminine version). After some time, I was surprised to realize I was buddy-buddy with some women and it didn't seem like they were questioning my motives towards them. Just treat them like a person. I realized I wasn't really doing that.

[Moose Tenderloin Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Moose Tenderloin]

I am, at the end of the day, considered a "nice guy." If you saw me standing by my wife it would blow your mind. Like, how did this happen?! I still ask myself this. Just be yourself. Every long-term relationship WILL NOT last or happily last if you're not the best of friends. I love spending time with her. I enjoy just going to the store and being along for the ride as she does her normal errands for things we need for the house.

Just be yourself. 10 years ago I happened to get a job at the same bank she worked for. She lived 150 miles away but we grew up knowing at least who each other were as our parents were friends etc. So, I sent her inner-office envelopes with handwritten letters in them, she responded in kind. Later her boss told her no more (she said her boss was jealous of the attention). She labelled me long ago as "the guy with kind eyes." I was never judgemental, I was always... nice. Every 3-4 months I would text her and see how she was doing, we would text back and forth all day, then, nothing, for months. This repeated for a couple of YEARS! Then, one day, she text me... the rest is history. Happily married for 5 years next May.

[Ultimate Burrito Moderator Member of the Month Oct 2017PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Ultimate Burrito]

Are you sure they aren't attracted to you and expecting you to take things further? Because nine times out of ten, they will get annoyed at men they like for not making the first move, instead of making one themselves and upsetting the normal dynamic of the situation (women being the "prize", men putting in effort to win them over, and women judging those actions to be worthy or not).

In this case, calling you a "nice guy" could be a hint that they want you to pursue them more aggressively.

I thought the same for a while. However, when I had a girlfriend I swore to myself I wouldn't cheat, no matter what. I would go to bars with my buddies to shoot pool and meet ladies who wanted to dance and have a good time. Dancing with other people was permissible in our relationship. The girls would of course start making advances but I would brush it off. That drove the ladies crazy. Then I thought to myself, damn I might be on to something! I would eventually have to tell them that I was in a relationship because i could tell that their feelings were getting hurt. There's a difference between being nice and being desperate.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I actually had a friends on Twitter, a 49yo army vet, house wife, and mother, explain what those women were doing to me this morning. She said that women will try to bait guys into being orbiters even of they never have plans to fuck them, because they like the attention and just in case they need a back up. That's why they will keep the most pathetic guys around for when they breakup and need a rebound. I should know this by now. Every time an ex cheated on me it was with the simpiest guy she could find that just orbited her like crazy until she finally gave him some. Usually when I started getting sick of her shit and wanting her fix her own problems for once.

My friend went on to explain that this is just in women's nature to flirt for attention and string guys along, but when that doesn't work they will either fain helplessness or go back and forth between ignoring and acting interested. Women aren't used to being around someone who doesn't fall for their flirtation or look at them sexually, so with me they usually do the latter and act hot and cold. She helped me see that these girls were never interested in being friends in the first place and I was just projecting my own way of thinking onto them.

This isn't about sex either, because I'm pretty selective when it comes to who I will and won't sleep with. I'm demisexual so the need for sex just isn't there unless there's a connection that comes over time, but I usually know in the first few minutes if she's right for me. I will keep her as a friend after that but I make it known that I'm not interested in them sexually and only interested as friends.

[Nightforce Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nightforce]

Women want to marry nice guys, especially those with good jobs, but they WANT a GOOD guy. I classify a "GOOD" guy as a NICE guy, who can dominate occasionally, be a bastard/"bad boy" once in a while, alpha male at times, then sprinkle on a little sensitivity. At least this is been my experience and less than 2 cents worth.