Heard adult daughter having sex with BF

[Jimmyjack Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jimmyjack]

OK boys and girls, I need some advice. I came home recently from a night of working. I opened the door to my abode and what did I hear? I heard by adult daughter taking the high hard one from her boyfriend. "Well, shit" I thought. See, we agreed to live to together and all in an attempt to help pay the bills. She's in her early 20's, a single parent, and pretty level headed when she needs to be. But her committment to family (me) wavers everynow and then. Was I upset? Pissed? Yeah that too, but we agreed to have space to where we both had seperate bedrooms with enough space to call our own. But being old school, this doesn't sit well with me at all. The very thought of boning somebody when my mom and dad where in the house was a "no-no" big time when I grew up and lot of it was out of respect. We just wouldn't have done it, period. End of story.
Now she is an adult and I don't wanna' treat her like a child. However, I feel that a trust has been broken. She doesn't think anything of letting this guy stay over since she helps with bills and has her "own" space. But I would never bring home someone to bone knowing that my daughter just might walk in the house and hear us going at it.
So, gents, what would you do? Ladies, especially you ladies, what should I do? Is the place your parents live in "sacred?" Do you feel you have the right to bring a man home and do the nasty regardless of who might walk in? Hey, there's enough time when I'm away at work. Indulge me. Make me think you're not fuckin', when I know damn well you are. Just don't wait until I get home to do it in some veiled attempt to mark you space. I know you're over 21. I know you're an adult, but be respectful enough to the people who busted their ass all these years to bring you up. Am I being to old fogee? HIt me up, y'all!

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

If you have rules set up & agreed to, in advance, that is one path.
No rules, no agreements, the doors are wide open for all concerned.

You said she is a "single parent". If there is a child/offspring of hers, then you both want to have behavioral activities that set good examples.
You need to talk together & Iron out the "sensative" issues.

[Always Ready Brek Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Always Ready Brek]

well ive brought girls home to my parents place and they never kicked up a fuss about it. well once on a one night stand the mother gave me an ear full! but for girlfriends, never. also both my sisters bring there boyfriends home and never did the parents moan about it. Look at it this way, she could be safe in your house or some place you wouldnt like to picture your daughter. Either way shes going to have sex. Rule out the house, and who knows what that will open up. Maybe you could mention it to her that you dont want to hear it tho... I know myself id be disturbed to hear any family member at it. Also i wouldnt like my parents to hear me at it.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

You need to calm down and talk to your daughter. Obviously you have different ideas about what constitutes appropriate behavior in your shared home. But try to keep in mind the goal here -- a good relationship with your daughter. Don't let anger cloud your judgement.

To be frank, I think your ideas are indeed a bit old-fashioned, and I think you are overreacting. I fully understand why -- I am a parent myself -- but it is not going to do either you or your daughter any good to fight over this. You've said yourself that she is an adult, and you know she is sexually active. Why should she try to pretend otherwise? It may be disrespectful for ANYONE to fuck loudly where a housemate can hear it..... but you said yourself that you just came home. It is quite likely that she was not intentionally doing it to upset you.... but rather got carried away, didn't realize you were home, didn't realize how loud they were being, and hence never intended any disrespect or hurt. Alternatively, maybe she did know you might hear, and did it anyway, as a symbol of her independence and adulthood. Young people feel the need to do that sometimes. It is not pretty but it is part of growing up.

I know it may be nicer if she doesn't have sex at home, but after all, it is her home. You need to ask yourself what you would prefer -- to have her feel comfortable enough in your shared space to bring a guy home (where she is safe, and you can meet the guy) or if you would prefer her to be off somewhere else, having sex in a car or some potentially unsafe place. Personally I would pick the former.

None of this is fun, I know. But she is a grown-up now -- at least sort of. Set aside your feelings of annoyance, and try to build a better relationship with her, not a worse one.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Maybe it's time to set some house groundrules in a peaceful manner!

[Closed039 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Closed039]

Obviously she was just trying to get in a quick sesh while you weren't in the house but still. I'm not sure what you are mad about...the fact that she is fucking some guy or the fact that you heard it.

It sounds like this is a first time deal anyway, and I doubt it will happen again. If it does, then I'd talk to her about it.

[dsmall Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dsmall]

Jimmy,

I understand your paternal issues. She is an adult. Dating and sex is and should be part of her life. As a parent, you have the right to not be an unwilling observer/hearer to her exploits. This is a fair right even as a roommate. There is an aspect to hearing your daughter have sex that is a bit creepy and boundary crossing for a parent. You have the right to set reasonable rules so that you do not wander unexpectedly into a situation where you are forced to watch or hear your daughter involved in sex. She has the same right by the way to the extent that you are both adults sharing the same living space.

You need to treat each other with respect with regard to your extracurricular activities. A reasonable request is that she put you on notice of an intent to spend some time with her boyfriend so that you make may make plans to be out of the home. You should afford her the same notice.

If there are religious or other cultural issues that may be coming to bear. You have the right to make those rules and make them a condition to her living in your house. She has the right to live under those terms and conditions or live elsewhere. Frankly, even assuming that you hold those beliefs, you can't necessarily force another adult to live by them. You need to decide what your priorities are: 1) your right to impose your value system on your daughter; 2) your interest in seeing that your daughter live a full and happy adult life, which includes a healthy sexual relationship. The other issues: time, place; manner; and mutual respect are not difficult to resolve.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

When i was at uni, I lived at my parents house.. I had a boyfriend who I was with for 3 yrs, But the rule remained, he was not allowed to stay over night, indirectly they made it clear that i was not to have sex in their house, basically the minute I could afford to put a roof over my head was the minute i could decide what the house rules were... This rule of course didn't stop me from having sex, but it make it more difficult and I ended up having sex in not so great places and one incident almost resulted in me getting arrested AND yes i would have sex at my parents house when i knew they wouldn't be home, or outside on their property when they were home because it felt safer and with the restrictions we took any chance we could get alone, came very close to getting caught on a couple occasions... I knew my parents were trying to protect me and i knew they were struggling to let me grow up.. but i was an adult and the rules they placed on me, made the sex feel guilty and bad, the fear of them finding out was ridiculous .. The idea of my parents hearing me have sex or catching me, creeps me out ..The idea of hearing or catching them is a big NO THANK YOU.. so all sex should remain the quiet type when we are under the same roof

You say your daughter has a child, so its not like you can be in complete denial about her sexual life.
and you said you had just arrived home, it sounds like she has been respectful of your space, she was doing it when you weren't there, you just happened to come home and catch her out. You say she is level headed, so it sounds like she is being responsible in the fact she was at home with i am guessing her child while still trying to maintain a healthy balance in life.. a healthy balance involves sexi...If she is bringing home a different guy every night then its reasonable to be concerned and to set rules, but she was having sex with her boyfriend.. Don't cut her off at the knees with this relationship if your ultimate goal is for her to be happy and stable..

I think you are in shock to some degree, just as your daughter would be if she walked in on you

[Jimmyjack Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jimmyjack]

Obviously she was just trying to get in a quick sesh while you weren't in the house but still. I'm not sure what you are mad about...the fact that she is fucking some guy or the fact that you heard it.

It sounds like this is a first time deal anyway, and I doubt it will happen again. If it does, then I'd talk to her about it.

Dude, BOTH!!! That's my LITTLE GIRL, DAMMiT!!! LOL!

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

Have her walk in on you banging the old lady in the middle of the living room.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Just set some rules and get over it. Yes it upset you; it would any parent no matter how old the child was. Wars do not solve anything. Make peace and get back to enjoying life!

[Jimmyjack Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jimmyjack]

Thanks for your input folks. It's really helpful. Believe it or not, I've calmed down and never really said anything to her about it directly, but she knows that I know. Her boyfriend also knows and stayed away last night. Had he come back around, I probably wouldn't have said anything, but they woulda' known. Maybe I should give him credit for taking some of the spark out of a potential fire.

[Jimmyjack Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jimmyjack]

You need to calm down and talk to your daughter. Obviously you have different ideas about what constitutes appropriate behavior in your shared home. But try to keep in mind the goal here -- a good relationship with your daughter. Don't let anger cloud your judgement.

To be frank, I think your ideas are indeed a bit old-fashioned, and I think you are overreacting. I fully understand why -- I am a parent myself -- but it is not going to do either you or your daughter any good to fight over this. You've said yourself that she is an adult, and you know she is sexually active. Why should she try to pretend otherwise? It may be disrespectful for ANYONE to fuck loudly where a housemate can hear it..... but you said yourself that you just came home. It is quite likely that she was not intentionally doing it to upset you.... but rather got carried away, didn't realize you were home, didn't realize how loud they were being, and hence never intended any disrespect or hurt. Alternatively, maybe she did know you might hear, and did it anyway, as a symbol of her independence and adulthood. Young people feel the need to do that sometimes. It is not pretty but it is part of growing up.

I know it may be nicer if she doesn't have sex at home, but after all, it is her home. You need to ask yourself what you would prefer -- to have her feel comfortable enough in your shared space to bring a guy home (where she is safe, and you can meet the guy) or if you would prefer her to be off somewhere else, having sex in a car or some potentially unsafe place. Personally I would pick the former.

None of this is fun, I know. But she is a grown-up now -- at least sort of. Set aside your feelings of annoyance, and try to build a better relationship with her, not a worse one.

Are my ideas a bit old fashioned? Damn right they are Batwoman. Single . . . parent hood is a muthafucka' at times. Single parent hood turns up the heat that much higher. My race has a bad rap about leaving unfathered kids around to fend for themselves. I don't wanna' see that happen. She's has one who'll she have to explain life to one day. She don't need another. I know I can't totally control it, but . . . Hey, parenting doesn't always stop when they turn 18. I'm just trying to avoid mine being another statistic, another stereotype. She doesn't need to start life off with two strikes.
Thanks for your input though. I've always valued it.

[NP97 Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close NP97]

Alright, being that I'm close to your daughters age....
1. Have sex while they're sleeping and be quiet about it.
2. Try and finish up before the parents get home
3. Do it when they aren't home, and you know they won't walk in.
4. Keep it in your room.

Maybe just talk to her about it. Be like, listen... I don't mind it, but don't do it when I'm around or may be coming home.

[deleteduser Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close deleteduser]

It's tough for a parent to realize their child has grown up. The reality is she is an adult and pays rent. That being said, they don't have to go at it like porn stars. Just say you heard them having sex and since it happened, what does she think the ground rules should be for sex in the house. She might be on the same page as you but just got "caught" when you came home. Yes, it's going to be an awkward conversation, but it'll prevent a lot of friction in the future.