Why do women friendzone?

[The Next Big Thing Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close The Next Big Thing]

Im very interested in answer to this question, but mainly by women, because they know best.
I just dont understand why women friendzone other men? And does it even exist or its just a spread myth?
The reason I dont understand is that, when I get to know a girl or a woman and if I find her attractive, she can be my friend for 10 years, but even after those 10 years if things would somehow work that she would be interested in me as a partner, it probably wouldnt take a lot of time for me to be with her (BUT this only goes for women I find really attractive)...point is, that when I like a woman a lot, I never "friendzone" her.

So how and why do women do it? Wouldnt you get in a relationship with your long time male friend if you find him attractive AND you get on well, since he would be your friend...is he automatically "friendzoned"?
I dont get it. Please explain me

[AlpineNewt Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close AlpineNewt]

Woman don't "friend-zone" men, men put themselves into the "friend-zone" in my opinion. I'm talking about single men and women here, people in relationships is different.

[The Next Big Thing Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close The Next Big Thing]

Woman don't "friend-zone" men, men put themselves into the "friend-zone" in my opinion. I'm talking about single men and women here, people in relationships is different.

Of course, Im talking about single people.

But how do you mean it, that men do it themselves?

[trepan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close trepan]

Ahhhh yes,... unrequited love my friend. I know all about it, as I am suffering from the effects now... at age 45. boo hoo to me...

[heretohelp Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close heretohelp]

'Wouldnt you get in a relationship with your long time male friend if you find him attractive AND you get on well, since he would be your friend...is he automatically "friendzoned"'

I've not friend zoned as much as I've been friendzoned. It's still happened a few times however.

In my experience there needs to be a few qualifiers in my friend that makes him sex and long term partner material:
- He isn't going out of his way to impress me.
Now, by this I don't mean he treats me like dirt. I mean he doesn't buy me flowers all the time, constantly tell me how pretty or clever I am, or put me on a pedestal. He treats me like everybody else; perhaps with a bit more of an inclination to spend time with me than others, and shows of affection are rare but heartfelt.

- He doesn't treat me like just a woman.
This may sound confusing, and it is. If, for the whole friendship, the guy has treated me as someone only to be looked at and romanced then I'll have no interest in him. If he'd rather go swimming than paint balling because he's only interested in how much skin he'll see, or if he only ever wants to talk about where 'we' might be going as opposed to the issues of the day, then I'll write him off as wanting a girlfriend that's like me and not actually wanting me as a person intellectually, spiritually and emotionally.

- He doesn't complain a lot.
We all have bad days and truly horrible things happen to us sometimes and that's fine. If, however, a man always goes on about his bad luck with women or failed relationships with them (seriously, I had one guy who sent me actual photographs of all the women he's ever loved) then I'll not be interested. Bonus 'not for me' points if he complains about and insults the women themselves.

- He's not a 'nice guy'.
No, I don't mean nice guy. I mean 'nice guy'. The kind that thinks he can put kindness tokens into a woman and sex falls out. If we're outside and it's raining and he lets me under the umbrella with him that's cool, but it doesn't mean I'm obligated to have sex with him. These kind of guys often say things like 'I treat women like ladies and the bitches break my heart!' or get really aggressive and pushy when a women makes her disinterest clear. They don't even realize they're doing it themselves some times but this is why I never a let a man pay for me.

- I want to have sex with him.
Women can look at a man and recognize he's good looking without wanting to have sex with him. It may be that he looks like a super model and she wants a rock and roll kind of guy. It could be that their personalities just don't mesh and it's a turn off. Whatever the reason, if I don't want to jump a guy at first sight, I'm not likely to go out with him.

- He doesn't try to control or decide things for me.
Men are problem solvers by nature. When a woman says she's fallen out with her friend a man will usually present a list of solutions to rectify the problem. Sometimes this is what a woman wants, however, not very often. I appreciate help when I'm stuck with something but I'd like a man that lets me work things out for myself and grow because of it. If I don't know what to do then I want somebody to be there for me, not show me what I should do. If a situation is scary I want somebody that'll stand by my side if I ask, not get rid of the situation. That sort of thing.

- He doesn't need me and he doesn't think I need him.
The strongest relationships are built up on on a pair of robust individuals with their own lives and interest. I want a guy who's strong enough to carry on if I leave and who recognizes that him leaving wouldn't be the end of my life.

- He doesn't tell me he loves me or talk about those kids we'll be having too soon.
Somewhere along the line most men have heard that women are looking for commitment. The truth is that whilst this can be true, it can also be pretty creepy when someone declares love after two weeks. A long friendship is not equal to a long relationships. Sure, you can come to love someone as a friend, but it may be different in an actual relationship. How somebody is as a friend is not always indicative of what they're like as a partner.

- I can trust him.
If, during the course of our friendship, we've had a fight and he's gone out and gotten so drunk he can't remember if he slept with one woman or two, it'll set off warning bells in my head. Similarly if I have rejected him at some point and he's not spoken to me for a long time afterwards.

Hope this helps!

[AlpineNewt Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close AlpineNewt]

Of course, Im talking about single people.

But how do you mean it, that men do it themselves?

I believe that a lot of men fear putting women off by making their attraction clear, so they hide their attraction and present themselves as being almost asexual. If you present yourself as a non-sexual being than that is how the woman will perceive you, hence my hypothesis that men do this to themselves.
Of course, even if she sees you as being sexual it does not necessarily follow that she will want any form of relationship with you, however it will increase the likelihood of being introduced to someone that does.
Just my thoughts based on observation, not scientific at all.

[kirkoloft Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close kirkoloft]

who recognizes that him leaving wouldn't be the end of my life.

This one's the hardest part for me. They often have made me feel so guilty that I had to keep avoiding them in any way possible. I've changed my cell number 5 times because of it. I know I'm probably exaggerating but I feel like I have scarred them for life. I've had some really bad experiences with second chances. Giving someone a second chance is like giving them the opportunity to back their car and finish you after having run you over with it. I should work on being more cold hearted, however, I'd rather have my conscience eating at me my entire life than make the same mistake twice.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey TNBT,

Great question and the answer may surprise you. Generally-speaking, it isn't women who put men into the "friend zone", it is the men who (unintentionally) put themselves there. Now of course, there will be some men who will be "friend-zoned" because the connection lacks any kind of sexual chemistry for the woman. But if you are constantly finding yourself in the friend zone it may be because...

1) You have not been clear with your romantic intentions from the beginning.

2) You are behaving more like a friend than a potential lover. For example, you spend too much time listening and helping her with her personal problems.

3) Afraid to ruin the friendship, you refuse to express your interest or make a move.

4) You are placing her needs above your own. The problem with that is when you make other people's feelings more important than your own (instead of finding that happy balance), you're unconsciously communicating to people that your own feelings don't matter. This may make it seem like you have low self-worth, which is the opposite of confidence.

5) The way you touch her is more friendly than romantic. Friendly hugs for example.

Now, of course longtime friends can certainly become lovers, but it is not a common occurrence, no matter what the movies tell you...better to convey your romantic intentions sooner rather than later.

[heretohelp Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close heretohelp]

This one's the hardest part for me. They often have made me feel so guilty that I had to keep avoiding them in any way possible. I've changed my cell number 5 times because of it. I know I'm probably exaggerating but I feel like I have scarred them for life. I've had some really bad experiences with second chances. Giving someone a second chance is like giving them the opportunity to back their car and finish you after having run you over with it. I should work on being more cold hearted, however, I'd rather have my conscience eating at me my entire life than make the same mistake twice.

Humans are a lot more resilient emotionally than we believe. It's not to say that the pain of losing someone is not real or that it doesn't take over our lives for a while. There will always be that period of mourning and recovery. However, aside from a few high risk groups, the majority of people will internalize those bad situations and learn from them. We can't build our muscles up without first tearing them and making them repair themselves. The hardest lessons in life are often the ones that benefit us the most. The bird that never learns to fly for itself will never be closer to the sun.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Woman don't "friend-zone" men, men put themselves into the "friend-zone" in my opinion. I'm talking about single men and women here, people in relationships is different.

We can move on now, he answered it perfectly.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

This question has been asked many times but these answers given are among the best I have ever seen, great stuff guys and gals, I agree with every bit of it.

[The Next Big Thing Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close The Next Big Thing]

Hey TNBT,

Great question and the answer may surprise you. Generally-speaking, it isn't women who put men into the "friend zone", it is the men who (unintentionally) put themselves there. Now of course, there will be some men who will be "friend-zoned" because the connection lacks any kind of sexual chemistry for the woman. But if you are constantly finding yourself in the friend zone it may be because...

1) You have not been clear with your romantic intentions from the beginning.

2) You are behaving more like a friend than a potential lover. For example, you spend too much time listening and helping her with her personal problems.

3) Afraid to ruin the friendship, you refuse to express your interest or make a move.

4) You are placing her needs above your own. The problem with that is when you make other people's feelings more important than your own (instead of finding that happy balance), you're unconsciously communicating to people that your own feelings don't matter. This may make it seem like you have low self-worth, which is the opposite of confidence.

5) The way you touch her is more friendly than romantic. Friendly hugs for example.

Now, of course longtime friends can certainly become lovers, but it is not a common occurrence, no matter what the movies tell you...better to convey your romantic intentions sooner rather than later.

Thank you! But I dont completely understand few points.
2.Is listening to her and helping her with her problems bad? How should a lover behave then? Or a friend? Whats the difference? For example...if I meet a girl at university, we talk and have a nice conversation and I like her, she seems to like me also, how should I behave if not listening to her, to get to know her better?

5.How should I touch a girl Im interested in but shes just a "friend" now? If we hug, its all ruined?
Please explain this, because Im starting to worry about my behaviour

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Because she likes you enough to want you in her life, just not enough to sleep with you. Deal with it. Accept what you do get from her and don't push for more or you'll be friendless and in the "friend-zone".

And you can be friend-zoned by your girlfriend or wife too! All you have to do is become so unattractive to her she loses respect for you and stops wanting to have sex.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Thank you! But I dont completely understand few points.
2.Is listening to her and helping her with her problems bad? How should a lover behave then? Or a friend? Whats the difference? For example...if I meet a girl at university, we talk and have a nice conversation and I like her, she seems to like me also, how should I behave if not listening to her, to get to know her better?

5.How should I touch a girl Im interested in but shes just a "friend" now? If we hug, its all ruined?
Please explain this, because Im starting to worry about my behaviour

Just keep being yourself, one day you will hug a gal and you will both get a twinkle in your eyes. It is more bout letting them know you are interested in them for more than friendship and you dont have to be an ass to do this.

Just dont be a best friend.

[kickinthemebs Senior Member Member of the Month Feb 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close kickinthemebs]

For the most part, as what has been expressed already, guys friendzone themselves. I have seen this way too often in my life, and it is often the same guys that whine and moan about women just go for jerks or that nice guys finish last etc. To be blunt, these guys need to realise that playing a girl's bff isn't going to make the girl suddenly attracted to them. You have to make your intentions known early on or there is no chance.

You friendzone yourself by acting like a friend, not the girl suddenly going "ya know what, I think that guy is a great guy and handsome, but just for the shits and giggles, I am going to throw him into the friend pile". This rarely happens in real-life. Although, I have known some girls who must have known about the abundance of guys sniffing after them in their friends group. Those girls weren't doing it maliciously however, they were really friendly and tomboy'ish, hence all the male friends. You always knew that the male friends never stood a chance with the girl though, even when she would be single. They always went for guys outside of the friends group.

When I was friendzoned in the past I would always evaluate what happened to get me there and how I would change it in the future. What I found to be key was not let the "friendship" linger too long. In my opinion, if girls see you as friends from the beginning, there is little you can do to get out of that category.