The New Middle Age Is 37. Here’s How to Make It Awesome.
Thirty-seven is the actual middle age of men in America today. We surveyed hundreds of 37-year-olds about what defines this moment—and help prepare them for the next.
By Max Berlinger and Ben Paynter
Apr 13, 2021
This article is a repost which originally appeared on MEN’s HEALTH
Edited for content
A WHILE BACK, over lunch with a friend—me, salad; he, cheeseburger— I yammered on about my fitness kick. Peloton and 10,000 steps a day. Intermittent fasting and meditating ten minutes every morning. Cold showers and breathing exercises. The works.
He put his hand on mine and said, “Max. You know that, even if you do all this, you’re still going to die, right?” Those words landed like a punch to the gut. What the hell is he talking about death for? I thought. I’m still a kid.
Spoiler alert . . . I’m not. I was 37, which certainly isn’t one foot in the grave. But I made an unnerving discovery: Statistically speaking, 37 is the median age of men in America right now, and also almost halfway to the end of the average man’s life expectancy, which is 76. Meaning a whole lot of guys happen to be in the same boat as I am: midway between cradle and grave. If we’re lucky.
Middle age is a nebulous term—the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “the period of your life, usually considered to be from about 45 to 60, when you are no longer young, but are not yet old.”
But do the math and your life’s mid-point hits way sooner than you probably think. As a guy with some things to make up for over the past couple decades, I feel a little behind. (As it happened, I spent most of that mathematically significant 37th year at home, staring at the walls, as a pandemic upended every norm of everyday life.) Turns out, plenty of truly middle-aged men are at crossroads of their own. For this issue, Men’s Health surveyed a nationally representative sample of guys my exact age to learn about their fears and anxieties.
As a whole, it’s a portrait of men who are conflicted, and I recognize myself in many of the responses. Men who feel, on average, good but have a sense that there’s more to life, if only they could figure out how to access it. That, just maybe, they’re in the prime of their life but they don’t know how to take advantage of it— or, more crucially, appreciate it as it’s happening—or how to extend it.
The survey shows that men value time over money, but it wasn’t a landslide. Which is strange, because if our days are getting scarcer, you would think that each should hold more value. I’ve learned that the hard way over the past few years. My 20s were wonderful, but some nights were a boozy blur. Then some nights turned into most nights and my 20s turned into my 30s.
At a certain point I got tired of waking up feeling like shit, with a phone full of missed calls and pissed-off texts and only a hazy half-memory of what I did to deserve them. So at age 33, I took the painful, scary step of getting sober.
The point is, you can change—and learn more about yourself in the process. In the following pages, we’ll share where middle-aged men feel they’re coming up short and how to make the most of each moment. How to set yourself up to be in great shape—not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too—for what’s to come. How to, well, take control. Or, in some cases, realize that you never had it and press forward anyway.
My partner of eight years and I recently bought a house and, even better, a terrier mutt named Edie. There’s a lot that’s still uncertain in our lives, but maybe that’s okay. I’m learning there are benefits to staying flexible, to celebrating a little when the moment calls for it. So next time, when you’re out to lunch with a pal, just order the goddamn cheeseburger. –Max Berlinger
The Great Middle Age Survey
Here’s how “middle-aged” men really feel about their health and fitness, careers and relationships; what’s still keeping them up at night; and how to make the most of any moment, at any age.
► HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING “MIDDLE-AGED?”
Most guys felt “pretty good” about being 37, but “great” was more elusive. And one in four men leaned toward midlife crisis. In terms of race and income, white men and guys making less than $35,000 were more likely to feel “not great” than “great,” and overall, white men rated themselves worse than Black, Asian, and Hispanic men did.
Your Opportunity: Instead of worrying about whether you’ve lost a step, try re-focusing on grown-up gains, like deeper relationships, professional success, or being a dad, says psychiatrist and MH advisor Drew Ramsey, M.D. Reframe “midlife crisis” as “transformational opportunities” to keep your momentum up and your attitude set on growth.
► ARE YOU AS FIT AS YOU’D HOPED RIGHT NOW?
When asked how they felt physically, three out of four 37-year-olds felt generally healthy or better, but the majority still fell short of their fitness goals. This was more true in the South and Midwest, with the West and Northeast doing marginally better. Either way, men making $100,000 or more skewed toward being happily fit.
Your Opportunity: “Start with your why,” says David Freeman, NASM, a featured trainer on the MH-affiliated All Out Studio app. “Why am I working out and what is the purpose behind it?” For Freeman, exercise encourages a healthy mindset. He’ll also repeat mantras like “Mind right, body right”to build even more motivation.
► Do You Believe Your Best Days Are Ahead of You, Behind You, or Right Now?
While more than half of the men surveyed were optimistic about what tomorrow may bring, nearly one in four felt as if they’d already peaked. Fitness may play a part in this (when asked separately about how they physically feel right now, 45 percent of the men who said they were “out of shape” or “a wreck” also thought their best days were behind them), but it’s hardly the only answer.
Your Opportunity: Rewire your bonds digitally. Men tend to lose touch with their friends as they age, Dr. Ramsey says. And what’s worse, the pandemic has limited your bar meetups, pickup games, and guy trips. But you can still connect through VR headsets, multi-player games, or fantasy football, he says.
► Is Your Family Life as Happy As You’d Like?
More than 40 percent of men weren’t happy with their family life, and, when asked about job fulfillment, more than 50 percent weren’t satisfied at work. Men who were in a relationship or had kids were more likely to feel content. But not by much.
Your Opportunity: Plan your vacation days for the year right now. Commit to whatever it is you’ve always wanted to actually do on your weekends. “Most of us only follow a plan and structure for work,” says psychotherapist Tenniel Brown, M.S.W. “What does that tell you about our priorities?” Switch up yours.
► Are you as Financially Stable As You’d Hoped?
The “make more, stress less” threshold was $75,000 a year—the point at which the number of men who felt anxious about money dropped by about a third.
Your Opportunity: Actually get a raise. Brown suggests developing a list of specific suggestions around what you can do to help the company do better, too. Share it along with your request for more money to emphasize the benefits for your employer. Side hustles you love? Also encouraged.
► What Feeling Best Describes Your Day-To-Day Mood?
On the whole, middle-aged men are more stressed, indifferent, or lonely than upbeat. Those who reported being super fit or generally healthy were more likely to feel upbeat (57 percent), but even endorphins have a limit.
Your Opportunity: It might be time to seek out new friends who also prioritize positivity, Dr. Ramsey says. And Brown suggests keeping a gratitude journal. To learn more self-care tactics, check out MH’s “Friday Sessions” at 1:30 p.m. Eastern on Instagram.
► What’s Your Most Important Goal With Exercise?
The majority of men are more interested how working out makes them feel, as opposed to how they’ll look. Pandemic aside, many also said that they prefer lifting alone, while as many as one in four may have lost their spotter to social distancing. Either way, 37-year-old men often lack gym buddies, who can help keep you accountable.
Your Opportunity: Sharing progress with family or friends can boost your energy, Freeman says. To stay charged, try controlled breathing. Close your eyes and listen to your breath for 60 seconds. ”It will be a game changer.“
► In General, How Do you Feel About The Food You Eat?
Finding a smart way to just eat what you want, when you want it can be tough.
Your Opportunity: Dezi Abeyta, R.D.N., an MH advisor, snacks on cottage cheese with pumpkin seeds and blueberries—to crush cravings, yes, but also because he loves the way the combo tastes.
► What’s Your Greatest Health Fear?
Men worry most about heart attacks, and with good reason: Heart disease is still the leading cause of death in the United States. It contributes to about one in every four deaths.
Your Opportunity: For heart disease, the Mediterranean diet is a good way to control weight, cholesterol, blood pressure, and blood sugar, says cardiovascular specialist and MH advisor Foluso Fakorede, M.D. Shoot for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity per week to reap the heart-health benefits of exercise. And know your personal risks. Many conditions—including heart issues, cancer, and diabetes—affect Black men at higher rates than white men.
► Which of These Things Are You Most Afraid Of?
Men feared being blindsided by catastrophe the most, but torpedoing a relationship and aging poorly were big, too.
Your Opportunity: “Often for men, the fear of the unknown is actually not having spent time thinking about their mortality fears,” Dr. Ramsey says. Those can range from the next pandemic to the eventual death of your parents. His go-to is journaling, or “puking onto a page” any thoughts, goals, or challenges you have. Long runs, bike rides, and walks in nature can offer a fresh perspective.
► What Is Your Preferred Way To Care For Your Mental Health?
Therapy ranked lowest for everyone, and Black men were least likely to have any kind of plan, at 24 percent.
Your Opportunity: Remember, therapy is a reliable judgment-free zone, says Dr. Ramsey. For Black men seeking Black therapists, try TherapyForBlackMen.org.
► What Do You Want More Of In Life: Time or Money?
Men value time more than money, but we all have to work. (In fact, half of those surveyed think they’ll retire late—or not at all.)
Your Opportunity: “Free time” and “quality time” are different, Dr. Ramsey says. Make the latter count by prioritizing your pickup game, yoga class, or book club.
► How Often Do You Have Sex?
Overall, more than 40 percent of men said the one thing that would most improve their sex life is: more of it. Try this three-step action plan.
Focus on quality, not quantity: “Research shows that more isn’t always better when it comes to sex,” says psychologist and MH advisor Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. “Try and ensure that the sex you’re having is the best it can be, which may involve trying some new things, sharing or acting on sexual fantasies, and telling each other what it is that you really want.”
Watch your screen time: “We know that people feel more in the mood and more satisfied with their sex lives when they feel an intimate connection,” says sex researcher and MH advisor Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. Put the phones away after work and spend time together taking walks, playing with a pet, or cooking healthy meals, as opposed to binge-watching Netflix.
Get educated on ED: Among the men surveyed, 15 percent wanted better erections and 72 percent had at least some concern that they may develop ED. “Sexuality-related anxiety is often referred to as performance anxiety, which contributes to the idea that sex needs to be a production,” says Shamyra Howard, L.C.S.W., an MH advisor.
Methodology: MH surveyed 530 37-year-old men in the U. S. from December 21, 2020, toJanuary 25, 2021, using SurveyMonkey. Data is nationally representative in terms of race and region.
This story appears in the April 2021 issue of Men’s Health.