is there a correct way to comfort a woman?

[jwandoj Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jwandoj]

i was recently told by an ex that the reason are relationship failed was because i never knew how to calm her down or make her feel better when she was upset.

this is partly true sometimes i really didn't know what to do. the way i see it there are 3 things u can do when a female is upset and looking to u for comfort.

one, a really warm long hug in some situations is all they need. o and don't forget NEVER FORGET to say "its going to be ok"

second, change to a lighter subject, "with grace of course" and let them bring it up again when there ready to talk then listen when they start to spill... simple head nods and grunts to show your at attention

and third bring up a related story that happend to u so they don't feel week "o man my mom d9o3es the same thing" and then let them take over the conversation

at least these are the 3 cards that i have to play. the only problem is u have like 30 secs to pick up on which one u are going to play and if u pick wrong ie a hug when they "dont want to be touched" its a lost cause and u might as well leave cause your fucked...


could i get some insight as to wtf i should do different? im only 20 so i assume im fucking up somewhere i blame it on all my blood being in my cock cause of PEing

[Flanker6 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Flanker6]

In all honesty there's no correct way to comfort a woman. I know my ex girlfriend just wanted to talk things out mostly, not really looking for my pity. I just try and let them talk it out and its worked so far. Also, it all depends on what she's upset about. I try to be honest and if its a ridiculous reason to be upset I'll let them know. Next time a girl comes to you upset or with problem you can do a few things. One being that you get all the info you can by asking questions. Two, offer your honest advice, don't placate just to end the conversation. Three, at the end of the conversation let her know you'll be there for her any time she needs to talk.

[jwandoj Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jwandoj]

see i 2would love to do that but atleast with the chicks i've been around i have to coax the info out of them and if i dont... well then im an asshole of course... its never as easy as asking whats wrong and listening

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

If she is crying, Don’t do the following....

Discount her tears “oh its just that time of the month again” “females so emotional”
Accuse her of manipulation
Placate her… “ please tell me what I need to do so you’ll stop crying”
Put her down “ sometimes you are just so weak”

A hug is good.. but sometimes she will just want you to sit with her, being present to her and in the moment ..be with her in the pain or agitation with out trying to do anything.
If she is fragile or feeling insecure ..she will just want you to be strong and supportive .. solid base for her giving her quiet strength and comfort
Other times she will need to see, that you can feel the pain as she does…so physical expressions of sadness will work to your advantage. or verbally acknowledging her anger depending on the situation
Don’t offer advice or try to fix it unless she asks you directly for this input(asks in a way that actually has a question mark at the end and not a rhetorical question mark.)

Just listen.. and I mean really listen and try to imagine what the emotion she is feeling ..and say something like .. I imagine you are quite frustrated … relate back to her and her emotions… learn how to use empathetic listening skills
Sometimes just saying .. I hear that you are feeling ….. is all that is needed.
If she is expressing resentment .. she wants to be heard, don’t defend or make excuses for yourself or the other person if she is talking about someone else

Don’t rush her through how she is feeling just because you are uncomfortable… or be a premature closer..if you respond immediately with advise and quickly tire of hearing complaints and want to close her off from her feelings, know that just because you are ready and wanting to move on .. it does not mean she is ready to move on ..if you close prematurely on her .. she won’t feel heard and she will get pissed.

[Going411x7 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Going411x7]

As usual, Titty is right on target with her advice. Thank you, Titty.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

oh and don't switch topics .. or make a joke trying to lighten the mood or hit on her making sexual advances ..its disrespectful to her feelings.
i have a couple male friends who do this too me... when a female is upset she can't switch gears that easily.. and it leaves her feeling like you really don't care and you only like her when she is happy or when she is of use to you.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

aww, Thanks for the positive feedback G11b7

[Flanker6 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Flanker6]

see i 2would love to do that but atleast with the chicks i've been around i have to coax the info out of them and if i dont... well then im an asshole of course... its never as easy as asking whats wrong and listening

Most of the time it never is. A lot of girls probably want you to show that you really care so they might hold back a bit, eventually they should open up about it especially if its your girlfriend. If your own girlfriend won't open up to you then you have a whole other set of problems entirely. I just went through this recently. A friend of mine called me balling her eyes out that everyone hates her and she has no friends. I was in the middle of hanging out with a few buddies of mine but I walked outside and talked to her. First, I listened. Then I commented, got more information. Turns out she was really just blowing things out of proportion and over analyzing. In a gentle way, I let her know she was overreacting, of course she has friends she was talking to one at that moment! I told her to go to her parents house and hang out there. Her parents house is about 30 minutes away from my dorm but I couldn't go see her because I already had tickets to a concert that night. I did call her later on that afternoon to check in with her and she was doing better. Probably my most recent "success" of consoling one of my friends. As TTBB said, probably the worst thing you can do is try to expedite the healing process. You wouldn't want somebody staring at their watch while you're pouring your heart out. Hope this helps man. Learning how to be emotionally available is something every guy needs to know.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

TTBB and Flanker are right on the mark.

The two most important things you can do are (1) listen, and (2) take her seriously. Many things that upset people have to do with frustration, anger, sadness, and feeling cut off. Having someone listen to you and take your feelings seriously goes a long way to helping overcome these feelings.

It may also be important to distinguish between situations where you are the cause of the upset (relationship troubles between you and a girl) and situations where outside events are upsetting her. If you think that your behavior is part of what is upsetting her, you might want add another thing to the list: (3) apologize. Even if you think you did nothing wrong, you can apologize for the misunderstanding that upset her. That may help make her feel better (fair or not, that's just human nature).

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

TTBB and Batwoman are correct. My addition is women need to talk about whatever it is and are not looking for solutions. If they are looking for advice then that is how they approach it. Women who are upset talk to just release. It makes them feel better. Sometimes just talking about it also can bring on realizations. I personally am not one into hugs, rubbing my back or my leg. I just talk.

If you were the one to upset her, don't clam up or tune out. That is the worst.

[redbear52 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close redbear52]

I have been married nearly thirty years and there have been multiple times when my wife has become upset over something and cannot even articulate what has upset her, or if i ask I get the "I shouldn't have to tell you" response. She has by no means been the only woman I have had a relationship with who has done this either.

I have concluded that there are times when the best thing to do is just go away for a while.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

I have concluded that there are times when the best thing to do is just go away for a while.

Oh my! I forgot this one...leaving. That is one of the worst. It is worse than tuning out. It may work with your wife, but in general, that is a bad move. It shows that you aren't there for her. You leave her in a time of upsetment. I understand men are doing what they want done when they are upset. This is not a move I recommend. This is not comforting. It is abandoning.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

An American Express works for me! Then I don't have to leave; she does! I just find out how upset she was the following month!

[Brian98 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Brian98]

All i can say is don't do what i did, when she is going through something, more than likely she'll have random outbursts at you, remember the situation she is in and just accept she doesn't mean it and she's angry, i didn't, started arguments and that was one of my downfalls, although i did comfort her very well when she didn't have an attidude with me. Cuddle her, tell her things will only get better, you'll be there for her whenever she needs you and give her a little peck on the cheek or head.

[redbear52 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close redbear52]

Oh my! I forgot this one...leaving. That is one of the worst. It is worse than tuning out. It may work with your wife, but in general, that is a bad move. It shows that you aren't there for her. You leave her in a time of upsetment. I understand men are doing what they want done when they are upset. This is not a move I recommend. This is not comforting. It is abandoning.

Yes well, it has worked for over 30 years of living together. Of course, it is best to try to discuss the problem but there have been times in which the more I try to figure out what the problem is, the angrier she gets. Furthermore, during my 58+ years of life, I have talked with many other husbands who have experienced exactly the same phenomenon with their wives as well.